But there is a third and we should really start following it now.

There is one thing that the most hardcore progressives and most conservative manosphere gurus agree on: their response to a man who comes out to talk about the problems he struggles with. About his loneliness, about feeling useless, feeling like everyone and everything is against him.

Man up and stop whining.

Now, the common narratives go one of two ways:

Much of the Manosphere: The problems men are facing are real and serious, therefore men should sort them out at any cost. Follow my Alpha advice and buy this PUA course.

Many Progressives: To ensure that men don’t ‘solve’ their problems by harming women, we must deny that they are real or serious.

There is a feedback loop between the two. The progressives fear that men will do anything to address their problems, including things which are harmful to women. A guy is feeling lonely? It’s fair game if he decides to manipulate a girl into bed. He’s not feeling on top of life and needs to bump up his status with the bros? Why not abuse some women, that always makes you feel stronger.

They rebel against such ‘solutions’ and end up going overboard: they simply deny that there are problems to be solved in the first place.

The manosphere responds:

Your problems are very real, guys, and since they don’t care about you in the slightest, you don’t need to care about them either. You are absolutely allowed to do whatever you need to do to get what you want.

Thus, they rebel against the progressives and to underline just how unfair it is that their suffering is dismissed, they simply say that it is OK to make women suffer in return. Sometimes it’s intentional harm, mostly it’s just collateral of getting what you want.

Does this lead anywhere?

Sure: Hate. Distrust. Division. All the nice things. All we do is keep proving that they are horrible and we are justified in mistreating them.

What a wonderful world.

So, here is an idea, guys. How about a third way?

How about admitting that men’s problems are real and serious BUT ALSO that we must stay ethical when addressing them?

Shocking, right? I know.

Dear Men

I know it sucks to be a man these days. On so many levels. Our feelings of loneliness, worries of uselessness, or frustration with mixed messages are all real and valid.

And yes, it’s annoying to have people tell us that we should be vulnerable and then mock us when we are. To be always expected to initiate, have women reject and judge us for the slightest misstep, and feel like people have a problem with everything we do. To swipe right all day knowing that even if by some miracle we get a match, she won’t reply to our message — assuming ‘she’ isn’t just a fake profile the app uses as bait.

But none of this entitles us to be immoral. It all sucks, but however much it does, we are still not allowed to just go about harming, manipulating or abusing other human beings to make the pain go away. This is just not how ethics works.

It’s not: Do the right thing, unless you’re sad and frustrated, then anything goes. No. Do the right thing, end of story. Otherwise, what? Thou shalt not kill, unless you really want his stuff and he’s an annoying prick anyway?

I know our problems are real. And we should absolutely expect them to be treated seriously. But we need to find the right, ethical ways of solving them.

Dear Progressives (of any gender)

Please do not invalidate men’s struggles. I know you’re angry and tired. I know you think the problems men struggle with don’t compare to those they subject women to. I know women’s problems are mostly caused by men while men’s problems are… also mostly caused by men.

Your anger and frustration are so valid. There are certainly men out there who deserve the full fury of our wrath.

But most guys genuinely struggle. Most of them wouldn’t hurt a fly but all too often if those feelings are left unresolved for long enough, they can become dangerous. Some men start acting out their pain in ways that are harmful to themselves and others. As I said, this doesn’t excuse them, but if we address their issues before it gets to that point, we can prevent this.

But this isn’t only about the impact those men have on others — it is about their own wellbeing, too. Even the guys who won’t act out their pain still suffer and need help. Invalidating their pain instead will only make it worse. Besides, how will men get more emotionally intelligent if we keep invalidating their emotions?

We need to find the right ways of approaching men, even if denying their problems exist is easier.

Dear All,

Let’s stop approaching men’s problems in either of the wrong ways and start solving them, ethically.