Can ancient philosophy help you deal with feeling unwanted, undesired and deeply sexually frustrated?
Men crave validation, acceptance, and comfort, we want to feel wanted and visible. But the main way we have been taught to get all of that is through sex. That’s not always healthy or useful.
We should follow Socrates’ advice and really Know Ourselves: think what is it that we really want and need and how to actually get it.
Did you know that many men who use the services of sex workers don’t really go there for sex? They often end up having a good chat or wanting a cuddle. Many join cam rooms because they want to be wanted and not be judged.
Meanwhile, the services of professional dommes seem nearly therapeutic, as men come there wanting someone to hold them and take away the stress of responsibility, allow them to not be in charge and have someone else make decisions for them, take care of them.
As a philosopher and a man who has been grinding for years to develop some semblance of emotional maturity (which, like most guys, I’ve never been taught when growing up), I think I know where this comes from.
Proxy emotions
In our culture, men are taught from an early age that emotions are unmanly. That we should not feel. That being sensitive makes us weak. That having emotional needs makes us laughable.
But there are two exceptions. We are allowed to be angry and horny.
With all the variety of nuanced feelings purged by our male upbringing, anger becomes a proxy for all negative emotions. Men who are sad, disappointed, uncomfortable, confused, and disrespected, all just spam the this one button: anger. No fancy combos, no dialogue, no nothing. Simple attack all the way through.
People speak a lot about anger, but this coin has two sides. On the other side, sexual desire is a proxy for all positive emotions. It certainly explains a lot.
Why?
Having positive emotions such as a feeling of community, of safety, of being supported, belonging, and connection already puts your traditional masculinity in question. You shouldn’t focus on all this wishy-washy stuff. All it does is get in the way of providing, protecting, and rational thinking.
How much worse if you catch yourself not having yet craving it! It would be so unmanly to crave acceptance or understanding. So weak to need to feel safe, to want others to be kind to you. To want the feeling of connection, of belonging, of someone caring for you, even having someone cuddle you — all of those are not what real men do!
And what do real men do?
Real men fuck
That’s how we men know if women love, accept, connect with, and care for us— they’ll fuck us.
And if they won’t, well, that means they don’t accept us, care for, and so on. And that makes us sad, unloved, and undesired. Except there is only one way we are allowed to express that: anger. I don’t think I need to explain where that leads.
So what?
You might think: well, and? I don’t mind just spamming sex. Actually, simplifying all this emotional stuff sounds sweet.
Don’t get me wrong, I love sex. I’m certainly not here to preach celibacy! But there are two problems with that:
- Addressing other emotional needs with sex tends to be as efficient as curing an infection with a plaster.
- You just won’t ever get enough sex to cover for all the emotional needs you have.
Actually, point 2 should be 1. Seriously. Let me repeat this.
You will never get enough sex to cover for all the emotional needs you have.
Not if you’re the hottest guy on Earth, because you’ll know women are only with you for your looks, not for who you really are. Not if you’re the richest, because paid love won’t ever make you feel really wanted. Not if you’re Casanova himself.
And let’s be honest: most of us are neither.
I know there’s probably something within you rebelling against that. But just be honest with yourself. As Socrates said:
Know Thyself
Don’t answer me or anyone, it’s your own moment of truth:
Don’t you want to feel wanted?
Don’t you want kind acceptance from someone who really knows you? Don’t you want someone to help you work some things out without judgement? Don’t you crave a warm, loving embrace?
Wait.
Don’t read on yet.
Just think about it for a second.
Done?
I think it’s fair to say that we all have different needs we end up addressing by seeking sex instead. But, and I will repeat this for the third time, there is practically zero chance any man will ever get enough sex to cover all of his needs.
So, is it any wonder that so many men report feeling unloved, abandoned, and not accepted? That they go to sex workers to look for validation? That they become desperate, fixated on finding a partner, feeling like rejection is the end of the world?
They only allow themselves one way of satisfying all their emotional needs. A way with zero chances of success.
Allow yourself other ways
We shouldn’t really be here. We shouldn’t have to deal with those problems. We should simply deal with our emotional needs without a proxy.
So ask yourself: Do you even want sex?
I mean, of course you do. We all do. But do you want it every time? Or is there something else behind it?
I’m not sure what Socrates would say if he knew I’m applying his dicto to sex, but we need to Know Ourselves better. Know what it is that we really need. What we really want.
Once you know that, ask yourself: is sex really the best way to get it?
It might not be easy to figure it out at first. It’s hard to undo our social conditioning and properly reflect on ourselves. But life is a puzzle game — if you don’t figure that out, you’ll forever play with a sexually frustrated debuff that you’re essentially casting on yourself.
