I recently went to Cabaret Cravache, a night where you can ‘indulge in an evening of erotic poetry, live performances, music, rope art, and other sensual delights.’ I didn’t expect that amongst all the beauty and sexiness, what would delight me the most would be a poem. And I certainly did not expect there to be a poem about men.
In most sex-positive spaces I go to, it’s all about empowering women and sexual minorities. There are performances, talks and workshops which celebrate them. I think that’s awesome. It certainly creates a subculture in which all can feel safe, empowered, and actually be themselves.
Meanwhile, if men are spoken about at all, it’s often as a potential problem. If men are celebrated, it’s usually for overcoming traditional masculinity norms. Many events label themselves as FLINTA: for people who are Female, Lesbian, Intersex, Non-binary, Trans and Agender — basically for everyone except cis-men.
There are good reasons for that. Men, especially those committed to traditional masculinity norms, are much more likely to violate someone’s consent or dominate the space. It is nice to have at least some spaces in the world where one doesn’t need to worry about this. I wholeheartedly support this.
But I don’t think I even realised the impact this had on me, until Pauline — the event host and a captivating French woman who commanded the crowd with casual ease — started her poem.
For the first time at such an event, I felt seen. I felt like someone gets it. Like someone looks at men and notices that we struggle, too. That it’s not all easy, that we haven’t got it made, that we might also need a bit of help and encouragement, and that we do in fact have feelings and can be hurt.
I gave her a standing ovation and later went to ask if I could repost the poem here. It turned into a long chat and then a fledging friendship.
Here it is. Imagine her delivering it, being all entrancing and gorgeous on stage. Check out some pics to get a feel for the atmosphere.
And enjoy feeling seen.
Be a Man, They Said
Be powerful. Be strong. Be fearless.
Don’t cry. Don’t show emotions.
You don’t have emotions anyway.
Don’t be feminine. Don’t be soft.
Don’t show vulnerability.
You’re not sensitive enough.
Express your feelings. Hide your feelings.
Be fine. Be okay. Never break down.
Be a man, they said.
Work hard. Make money.
Make more money.
Be ambitious. Be successful.
Work more. You’re working too much.
Pay for dinner. Buy the drinks.
Pay for everything.
Be the provider. Be the protector.
Open the door. Carry the bags.
Take risks. Not too many.
Don’t ask for help. Don’t show weakness.
Be a gentleman, they said.
Have experience. Be a player.
Be a bad boy. Be alpha.
Be kind. Be sweet. Be rough.
Settle down. Have a family.
Be exciting. Be interesting.
Be horny. But not right now.
Desire only me.
Be available. But not needy.
Be independent.
Care. But not too much.
Be faithful. Be free.
Be a man, they said.
Get hard. Stay hard.
Be slow. Slower.
Keep going.
Be passionate. Don’t stop.
Don’t slow down.
Don’t complain. Don’t get tired.
Hold it.
That was too quick.
Be a man, they said.
Work out. Be fit. Build muscle.
Be strong.
Get abs. Get bigger arms.
Not too big. That’s too much.
Grow a beard.
Shave your beard.
Don’t be into your looks.
But look good.
Don’t care too much.
Look effortless.
Be a man, they said.
Be present. Take initiative.
Read my mind —
It was obvious.
Be dominant. Take control.
Be the leader. Be in charge.
Be in service.
Do what I say.
Be caring. Be patient.
Listen. Don’t talk too much.
Be positive. Don’t be stressed.
Don’t be anxious.
Don’t talk about your struggles —
No one wants to hear it.
You’re not supposed to struggle.
Be a man, they said.
Don’t be a victim.
You can’t be a victim.
Just get over it. Don’t complain.
You’re privileged.
You had it all anyway.
Be a man they said
Be something you’re not.
With big thanks to Pauline for allowing me to reprint this. May your Cabaret forever flourish.
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