In 1986, Marie Shear famously wrote: “Feminism is the radical notion that women are people.” In 2024, the US Democratic Party should perhaps start entertaining the notion that men are people, too.
Except this time ‘being people’ is not about having the same rights. It’s about having the same psychology. It’s about struggling, having flaws, being easily confused, having emotional responses and rationalising them, and above all — not liking those who make us feel bad.
Unlike robots, people have feelings. People do not consider rational or moral arguments without paying any attention to how they make us feel. People will often act against reason, ethics, and even our own best interests if we hope that it will make us feel better. If you’ve never done that, throw the first stone.
Unlike robots, people are social. We want to feel that we belong, that others value us, that we have a tribe. People will often compromise our morals and rationalise anything if it means that we can feel welcome and wanted. If you’ve never done that, throw the first stone.
People vote with their hearts just as much as they do with their brains. Yes, we try to consider our options and make a reasoned decision. But we also vote for those we like, those who make us feel understood, valued and heard. For those who make us feel welcome.
So why don’t young men vote for Harris and the Democrats? Because they’re people. And people don’t like to be ruled by those who:
- Say their problems and needs don’t matter
- Constantly remind them about their flaws
- Say that the future is not for them
- Make them feel guilty for the sins of others
- Say that everything about them is wrong and they need to change
- Make them feel like whatever they do, it’s not good enough
It doesn’t matter if any of that is true, right, or deserved. Do you have a partner? Does your partner have flaws? Go on, bring them up every day and make them feel guilty. See how long they’ll stick around.
The Democrats might have all the correct rational arguments. Following them is the morally right thing to do. It might even be in men’s self-interest — but so what, if they also make men feel judged, rejected and unimportant? People do not make political decisions based solely on reason.
Yes, we do need to dismantle the patriarchy, end gender-based violence, and empower marginalised voices. Masculine gender norms do need to change and men should often prioritise the needs of others.
But there must be better ways to talk about it. Ways that do not make people feel unwanted, judged and belittled. Ways that show that we actually care about them. Treat them like humans, not like obstacles on the road to gender justice. Allow them to be ‘one of us’ even if they’re not entirely perfect.
Yet the overwhelming message the Democrats have for men is: We don’t like you, you do not belong here. Not unless you admit you’re toxic, forget about your needs and focus entirely on solving other people’s problems while we mock yours. Also, vote for us.
The only men this rhetoric speaks to, are those who consider themselves ‘not like the other boys.’ When they hear about toxic masculinity, they think: not me, it’s them. When they hear that the Future is Female, they think: gender is a social construct, we all play male and female roles, and I’m quite happy with my female side.
But many men actually quite like being men. They do want to be like the other boys. They want the future to be theirs, too.
You might think this is about justice. It was a long time coming. It’s what’s right. We can’t let people get away with their wrongdoings.
But we don’t live in some abstract realm of moral absolutes. This is politics. You might be right, but so what? Your choice was never: find a way to connect with less-than-perfect men or a feminist utopia. Your choice was: connect with less-than-perfect men or Trump. If you never bend, you end up broken.
Men are people: we have feelings as well as reason and we do what makes us feel wanted, accepted, and valued — even if it’s not good for us, for others, or the world.
The Democrats and progressives around the world should have some understanding, as they are clearly people, too: they do what makes them feel righteous and morally superior — even if it’s not good for them, for others, or for the world.
May this election will be a wake-up call. The Democrats and progressives around the world desperately need to find ways to talk with men. Not at men. With men. They don’t need to compromise their progressive platform to do that. They just need to remember that men are people, too.
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