Yes, emotional repression is bad. Yes, men bottling up feelings until they explode in rage, depression, or self-destruction is a problem. And yes, crying can be a great way to regulate emotions.
Spoiler alert: If you haven’t watched Adolescence, go do it now.
When we say that men should cry more, what we really mean is that men benefit from allowing themselves to be emotionally more complex and open, instead of repressing their emotions so much and then up to the point when they explode in anger or result in depression, loneliness and suicide. Everyone else benefits, too.
But is this what people hear?
I just finished watching Adolescence. I honestly can’t imagine talking to Jamie and telling him he should stop following the manosphere influencers, abandon his entitled attitudes towards women, and instead embrace more equitable and fair positive masculinity — because this means he would be able to cry more. He would laugh in my face.
He’s watching content that tells him he should be strong, assertive, and never let anyone see weakness. He won’t understand what this is really about. He won’t get the nuance of emotional self-regulation and complexity or the benefits of vulnerability. He’ll just hear: I want you to be weak.
How is that supposed to be a selling point of progressive masculinity? Not just a selling point — the selling point, seeing how often it is brought up on both sides of the ideological divide.
After watching the show, I wanted to see what the conservative critics had to say about it. YouTube pushed an episode of Piers Morgan Uncensored on me. You won’t be surprised it was titled: ‘Feminist Nonsense!’ Netflix ‘Adolescence’ Sparks Toxic Masculinity Debate.
The panel featured Andrew Wilson (a self-important, macho douchebag and host of ‘The Crucible’), James Barr (comedian, radio host, and the token progressive), Tomi Lahren (a professional outrage generator), and Shawn French (host of ‘The Determined Society’).
Inevitably, a segment about crying was played, featuring Adolescence but also a short from BBC’s News Night where a bunch of vaguely progressive-looking guys are asked when they last cried. They get all reflective about it and all.
Back to Piers Morgan. Andrew Wilson, smug as ever, proudly announced he hadn’t cried in a decade — except for a family death — and that men should supress emotions because they can’t be breaking up in moments of crisis. Morgan kind of agrees, and turns to James Barr, the progressive, to ask about his experience.
Barr awkwardly admits he cried yesterday but, you know, he hadn’t cried for at least three weeks before that.
He’s trying to make it sound like a strength but meanwhile Wilson nearly falls out of his chair laughing. He’s actively taking a piss at Barr, ridiculing him while the other panellists snigger and Barr struggles to retain his dignity.
And there it was. The exact trap conservatives love to set for progressives: make them look weak, soft, and ineffective. ‘Feminised.’ It doesn’t matter how much you explain, “Crying is just a shorthand for emotional regulation and breaking free from restrictive gender norms.” They don’t care. They just see a “strong” conservative man ridiculing a “weak” progressive man.
And Jamie? Imagine him watching this show — whose side do you think he’s on? And if he’s watching it with his friends? There is no way in hell he sides with Barr, not for a second. He’s sinking even deeper into the toxic masculinity playbook because he does not want to be the guy getting laughed at.
Back to Adolescence. It succeeds in painting a complex and unobvious picture, avoiding easy blame-pinning and black-and-whiteness. It does a great job of portraying the way men suppress their emotions from themselves and from their loved ones. Jamie’s dad Eddie doesn’t know how to emotionally support him. Jamie desperately wants to be liked but doesn’t know how to express it without anger and entitlement. Even DI Bascombe can’t connect with his son, even though he’s painted as so much more reflective and mature. The show makes it painfully clear how emotionally stunted masculinity hurts men and those around them.
But then there’s that final scene. Eddie, after a full-scale angry meltdown, finally has a heart-to-heart with his wife and then collapses in tears in his son’s room. And then… nothing.
That’s how the show ends.
Men being able to cry is not the point. Crying is a tool, a way to process emotions so we can move on, take responsibility, and improve. Not an achievement in itself. Crying is one of the ways to deal with our emotions that’s better than Eddie’s angry rampage which ruins his birthday, messes up his van, and requires the women to dance around him carefully to manage his anger.
But the show just ends there. There is no follow-up where Eddie actually does something productive with his emotions. No indication that maybe through crying he could process them better. No reconciliation with his family.
Just: he cried. What an achievement.
Of course, this is a TV show and it ends at a point that’s intense and leaves people with thoughts and questions. Maybe a resolution would soften its impact. From an aesthetic point of view, I love it.
But then I watch the Piers Morgan’s show and can’t stop thinking: they won’t get it. They just see another opportunity to paint us as weak and unattractive in front of all the Jamie’s of this world.
And sure, I know shows such as Piers Morgan’s are designed to make progressives look bad. No surprises there. But when we insist on highlighting the greatness of crying all the time, it’s just like we were jumping into a barrel to make it easier for them to shoot us.
There are so many better arguments for progressive masculinity. Why do we need to keep focusing on the one that clearly only matters to those who are already convinced? Why not tell men about the things that actually matter to them?
This shouldn’t be hard. Stepping out of the ManBox is correlated with:
- Higher life and relationship satisfaction.
- More fulfilling careers and higher earnings.
- The ability to navigate a changing economy.
- Better physical and mental health.
- Being the kind of person women actually want to date.
Let’s stop pushing this: join us, you’ll be able to cry more narrative. It is counterproductive.
Let’s focus on the freedom, confidence, and success that comes with breaking out of rigid, outdated masculinity. Let’s give men that message instead.
I haven’t been writing much recently. That’s because I’m much more active in the professional field of gender equality and masculinities, setting up an NGO and applying for grants. I’ll be back soon with updates.
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