You know that look women give you after sex. The ‘Was this for real?’ mixed with ‘How did you…’ and ‘Impossible…’ and ‘Did we just…’ and ‘I want more!’ Parted lips, still out of breath, hair all over the place, wide wild eyes looking at you like she didn’t quite believe you’re real… You know it, right?
Do you want to know it?
Well, listen up.
Why don’t women just say what they want?
I was lying in bed with a lover recently, trying to catch my breath and tell her just how amazing she is. How awesome it is to be with a woman who knows what she wants. How wanted and desired I feel when she shares the secret of what she really likes and asks me to do it with her.
You see, the great majority of women never say what they want. I need to drag it out of them. When I ask, they will tell me, but they don’t volunteer it. Not to mention simply initiating it. It’s the worst when I ask about their fantasies, offering to make anything come true… and it turns out they don’t really have any.
I deeply dislike this dynamic. It’s tiring to always be the one initiating and coming up with ideas. It also puts me in a position of control and responsibility I don’t want to be in, because it means that, were anything to go wrong, it’s my fault. They were not in control. They never reached for it. Convenient.
If despite gentle invitations a woman never initiates and has no fantasies, we don’t last much longer. Life is too short for timid, unimaginative lovers.
The ones I stick around with, are ones like her.
So, we’re in bed, I’m idly thinking around those topics and thanking my lover for being more forthcoming with her desires. And then she says:
No Simon, thank you. With you, I can do that. But most other men don’t like it.
Well… I would lie if I said I didn’t know that. But she went on:
One time I was with this hot Brazilian guy and I was trying to tell him what I wanted, but he just ignored me and kept doing what he was doing. It was getting me nowhere, so I reached down with my hand to make myself come …
That’s it! We wouldn’t have the orgasm gap if women were just willing to do what we men have been doing all this time — show some initiative and take matters into their own hands!
… but he just pushed my hand away and grunted angrily: “Stop it! I know what I’m doing!”
Ah. Except for this part. Yeah.
Then he just lost it and got really angry that I ‘spoiled the sex for him,’ got dressed and left. I was pretty scared, he could have hurt me.
Fuck.
Becoming a great lover: for men
Dear Men,
Why do you do that? You say you want to be good lovers. You genuinely want to see that joy and admiration on her face. You want to brag to your mates about the amazing sex you’re having.
And then, when you lie in bed with a woman who is literally the world-leading expert on her own body, who knows exactly how to most amazingly satisfy her, and who could really teach you how to improve your sex skills and become a better lover — you tell her: “Stop it! I know what I’m doing!”?
You are handed this fantastic opportunity on a silver plate, for free, and with an orgasm on top — and you say no? And even get angry about it?!
And then you wonder why women don’t say what they want and don’t want to sleep with you?
I mean, there’s a part of me which is grateful. I’m in the 20% and from what I hear, you are working really hard to keep it that way. So thanks, I guess.
But honestly, get your heads out of your butts and stop pretending you know everything. It’s not unmanly to let an expert teach you new tricks. You don’t know everything. I don’t know everything. Casanova himself didn’t know everything. Give yourselves a chance to learn.
Here, I let you in on a secret.
There are exactly seven magical words which will instantly level up your sex life. They will make her feel she’s in good hands and give herself to you like never before. They will give you the power to truly satisfy her and feel on top of the world. They will bring out that look on her face I was talking about.*
And if you use them often enough, they will make you an amazing lover.
You say them once you’re in bed, you get naked and things start to get steamy. You kiss her, you delicately run your fingers down her neck, her breasts, her belly… and then you gently pull back, look her in the eye and ask:
How do you like to be touched?
Seven magical words.
She might not get it at first. She might be a bit shy, blush. It’s because she’s not used to it. She’s not used to good lovers. She’s used to guys who think they know everything yet leave her unsatisfied. Even if she never slept with any, it’s what she expects. Or perhaps a clueless guy push her hand away once, telling her he ‘knows what he’s doing.’
Ask again with a kind smile and add: I want to make this great for you. If she’s too shy to speak, ask: can you show me how you touch yourself?
And that’s when the magic begins. She tells you, she shows you, you try it… And suddenly her body moves in a completely different way. Like this… No, not here, a bit more like… yessss… You adjust, you improve, you learn, you feel yourself tune in, and soon you move differently, too, because even if you don’t know it, your body knows that there is nothing more arousing than seeing your lover’s face lost in pleasure, the pleasure you are giving her.
Seven magical words.
Use them when you are with someone for the first time because everyone is different. Use them when you’re with someone for the second, third, tenth and hundredth time. Mix them up with: Are there other things you would like? Or: What else works for you? Or: What do you feel like doing today? Even if you’ve been with someone for years, use them now to open up new possibilities.
Every single time you ask and then do it, you become a better lover. You learn to tune into their bodies, you know what to do next, you know when to kiss, when to tease, when to go rough, when to lovingly embrace. You learn to stop thinking and just flow.
Every single time you ask and do it, you give her permission to tell you herself. To take initiative, make you feel wanted, and take the weight off your shoulders.
Every single time you ask and do it, you create a world where women know what they want and have fantasies you can be a part of.
But Simon! It’s embarrassing to ask!
Sure. The first time you do it. Everything is embarrassing if you don’t know how to go about it. So here is how:
- Pick a time when you know you will be relaxed. Think ahead of the right moment. It’s the one when things are about to happen, when you both want it but didn’t start yet.
- Visualise how awesome you will feel when later on she tells you just how much she enjoyed it. When you see that look on her face.
- Don’t break the encounter to ask. Make the question a part of it. Murmur it into her ear while gently walking your fingers up her arm. Say it with a smile while bumping her nose with yours. Offer her a massage and whisper it when your hands are slowly making their way down her spine.
- Mix it with a compliment or something you already noticed. Say: I love how you smile when I do this, is this how you like to be touched? Or: You have such a beautiful X, how do you like it touched?
- Follow up on something she did: What you just did feels amazing, would you also like me to try it on you? Or: Mmm, this is awesome, is there anything I can do for you?
- Offer it as a game: you show me one thing about your body, I’ll show you one about mine.
- Say it as a joke: I’m writing this research paper on <her name>’s favourite sex acts. Would you care to be my test subject?
- Just flat out say you’re trying something: I read this text about becoming better lovers and I’d like to give it a go. Want to try?
Not all of those will be your style. Fair enough. Pick the ones that work for you. In time, you’ll find your own, no doubt.
But Simon! Asking makes me look bad!
Is that because a good lover wouldn’t need to ask? Who told you that? Anyone who’s good at anything has gotten there by asking questions and learning. Those who worry it makes them look weak, never improve. They are the ones complaining about the 20%. The ones who learn, are the 20%.
You know those guys who beam with confidence and attract girls even though they are neither great looking, high status, nor rich. You know why that is, right? Nothing boosts your confidence like knowing you are genuinely great in bed. And trust me, women can sense it.
At the end of the day, what do you prefer: seeming like a good lover for a second but actually proving yourself to be a bad one soon after? Or: risk seeming like a bad lover for a second but prove yourself to be a great one for the rest of the night?
Even if a woman will for a second think less of you, she will forget it the moment you touch her the right way. The way none of the guys who refuse to learn ever did.
Nobody has ever developed a skill without taking a risk and feeling a bit embarrassed at first. Nobody can make you a better lover — only you. Don’t deny yourself that opportunity.
Becoming a great lover: for women
Dear Women,
I know, right? All those guys should learn better. It’s high time they stop assuming they know something they don’t.
But can I ask you one question?
When was the last time you asked your lover how he likes to be touched?
Because I can’t say I’ve been asked often at all. All I have written applies to you, too. You might assume male bodies all work the same, but it’s not true. We’re just as different as you are. And you can learn, too.
You can use the seven magical words to put your encounter on a completely new track. Most guys will be as puzzled as if you gave them a compliment because nobody ever does either to us.
And while I get that saying what you want can be scary, asking this is different. It’s low risk as it doesn’t threaten men with outdated masculinity models by implying they don’t know what they’re doing. It does, however, open the opportunity for reciprocity. It might just break the wall so many guys hide behind.
And when you are with a man you trust and feel safe with, please do tell us what you want. Or just initiate it. It’s really nice and makes sex more equal.
Dear Everybody,
Sex is awesome. You can be good at it. You can have lovers who think you’re the best and can’t wait to jump in bed with you again.
Give yourselves a chance.
Ask and learn.
* Statements intended to express a general trend, not a definite promise. Exact results differ from woman to woman, because women are separate humans with different psychologies. Terms and conditions apply.
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