Is your relationship missing something? The hard truth about disconnected emotions and sexuality, and who should do something about it
People often discuss how important emotional intelligence is to building and maintaining happy relationships. It’s totally true. Being able to realise, express and communicate own feelings, to really connect on the emotional level, is extremely powerful in building love, connection, trust and the feeling of safety.
I wouldn’t blame anyone for not wanting to partner up with a person who doesn’t have the insight into their own emotions or the ability to express and work through them. Why?
Well, if your partner is not able to deal with their own emotions, you’ll likely have to deal with them yourself, either by guiding them through it or by withstanding their outbursts. And you might be stuck in a relationship where you feel deprived of one of the most beautiful things about being a human — emotional connection and fulfilment.
You might think you can deal with it — and even be willing to do so for some time — but for how long? In time, you’ll get massively frustrated, you’ll resent your partner, and instead of uniting you, emotions will push you apart.
Now, you might say: it’s not their fault. My partner simply hasn’t been taught how to deal with emotions. Maybe they had a difficult childhood. Maybe their culture makes it hard. Maybe he’s a man and has been subject to cultural conditioning which says that his gender should feel ashamed of having emotions and suppress them.
Maybe their ex-partners have treated them badly when they did try to express emotions and be vulnerable. Maybe they were told their emotions make them hysterical, unmanly, weak, or other such things. Maybe being vulnerable turned people away, so they learned to put up a wall instead.
Hopefully, you can have an honest chat with your partner and say: Hey, I get why you’re like that but you need to sort this out, for your sake and ours. Come, I’ll help you out. If they do, fantastic. But if they don’t, well, I think it is totally fair for you to say: Sorry, this is making my life miserable. I’m out.
And to think twice before you get together with anyone who isn’t great at expressing and dealing with their emotions, ever again.
But maybe you are the one who actually makes it difficult for your partner to be more in tune with their emotions. Maybe you make them feel crap when they try to open up. Maybe you encourage them to be vulnerable, but when they are, you get defensive and cold or make them feel they’re too much or not enough.
Maybe you tell them they can talk to you about anything, but when they do, you turn out to be a poor listener. Maybe you just fail at offering them the support they need. Maybe you make them worry that if they do open up, you’ll lose attraction to them and leave.
Maybe you don’t have the capacity to help them but when they seek help somewhere else, you get jealous and don’t let them do it. Maybe you try to help them in a way that you think is right, without acknowledging that they are a different human, likely of a different gender, and maybe they need to be approached a bit differently.
And maybe you’re not that great at emotional intelligence yourself, but like all humans, you see a splinter in your partner’s eye yet not the log in your own eye.
Hopefully, you can have a good chat with your partner and say: Hey, can you help me be more in tune with how your mind works, so you feel like you can open up more? If they do and it brings effects, fantastic. But if they don’t and despite you genuinely trying your best, nothing changes, well, I think it’s totally fair for you to say: I don’t want a lifetime of emotional frustration. I’m out.
But then, maybe you are the one who‘s not that emotionally open. Maybe your partner tells you that it brings them down, that it’s frustrating, that it makes their life miserable and that you really need to do something about it.
Are you doing something about it?
And if it’s your partner who makes it harder — are you talking to them about it?
People are often ashamed to acknowledge how important sex is to building and maintaining happy relationships. It’s totally true. Being able to realise, express and communicate own sexual needs and desires, to really connect on the physical level, is extremely powerful in building love, connection, fulfilment and the feeling of excitement.
I wouldn’t blame anyone for not wanting to partner up with a person who doesn’t have the insight into their own sexuality or the ability to express and celebrate it. Why?
Well, if your partner is not able to deal with their own sexuality, you’ll likely have to deal with it yourself, either by getting mediocre or no sex at all, or by having sex you don’t actually enjoy. And you might be stuck in a relationship where you feel deprived of one of the most beautiful things about being a human — sexual connection and fulfilment.
You might think you can deal with it — and even be willing to do so for some time — but for how long? In time, you’ll get massively sexually frustrated, you’ll resent your partner, and instead of uniting you, sex will push you apart.
Now, you might say: it’s not their fault. My partner simply hasn’t been taught how to be sexual. Maybe they had a difficult childhood. Maybe their culture makes it hard. Maybe she’s a woman and has been subject to cultural conditioning which says that her gender should feel ashamed of having sexual needs and that sex is not for her enjoyment anyway.
Maybe their ex-partners have treated them badly when they did try to assert or explore their sexuality. Maybe they were told their sexuality makes them a slut, a degenerate, too little, too much, or other such things. Maybe being true to their sexuality turned people away, so they learned to hide it instead.
Hopefully, you can have an honest chat with your partner and say: Hey, I get why you’re like that but you need to sort this out, for your sake and ours. Come, I’ll help you out. If they do, fantastic. But if they don’t, well, I think it is totally fair for you to say: Sorry, this is making my life miserable. I’m out.
And to think twice before you get together with anyone who isn’t great at expressing and pursuing their sexuality, ever again.
But maybe you are the one who actually makes it difficult for your partner to fully embrace their sexuality. Maybe you make them feel crap when they ask for what they want in bed. Maybe you encourage them to have more sex, but when they follow through, you tell them it’s wrong, force them to do it your way, or make them feel they’re too much or not enough.
Maybe you tell them you’d fulfil their every fantasy, but when they state one, you say it’s boring or weird. Maybe you just fail at doing the stuff which would arouse them. Maybe you make them worry that if they do say what they desire, you’ll think badly of them and leave.
Maybe you don’t have the capacity to sexually satisfy them but when they propose opening the relationship, you get jealous and don’t let them do it. Maybe you try to arouse or satisfy them in a way that you think is right, without acknowledging that they are a different human, likely of a different gender, and maybe they need to be approached a bit differently.
And maybe you’re not that great a lover yourself, but like all humans, you see a splinter in your partner’s eye yet not the log in your own eye.
Hopefully, you can have a good chat with your partner and say: Hey, can you help me be more in tune with how your body works, so you feel like you can be more sexual? If they do and it brings effects, fantastic. But if they don’t and despite you genuinely trying your best, nothing changes, well, I think it’s totally fair for you to say: I don’t want a lifetime of sexual frustration. I’m out.
But then, maybe you are the one who‘s not that sexual. Maybe your partner tells you that it brings them down, that it’s frustrating, that it makes their life miserable and that you really need to do something about it.
Are you doing something about it?
And if it’s your partner who makes it harder — are you talking to them about it?
Sure, your partner doesn’t need sex to survive. What’s the whole fuss about? Well, you also don’t need emotional connection to survive. Just that life sucks without it.
Sure, your partner doesn’t need your emotional openness to survive. What’s the whole fuss about? Well, you also don’t need sex to survive. Just that life sucks without it.
Are you stuck in a sexless or emotionless relationship? Maybe it’s time for something to change.
Maybe this something is your partner.
But maybe this something is you.
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