Are women’s standards too high these days? What is keeping guys from attracting women and keeping the relationships they want? How to turn your life around and stop worrying? Here is some advice from someone who has walked this path.
Honestly, I’m a bit fed up with reading all this dating advice in which I see both men and women focus on things that honestly don’t matter while completely ignoring the elephant in the room.
Three elephants, on my count.
We’ll get to those, but first let’s quickly review…
The things that don’t matter (so much)
I can’t believe so many guys are still stuck on thinking that the most important things they need is LMS — Looks, Money, Status. Do they help? Sure, obviously it’s better to be a beautiful rich somebody than an ugly poor nobody. But is that what does the heavy lifting?
I’ll give you a philosophical example. Check out this guy.
This is Jean Paul Sartre, a 20th century existentialist philosopher. At five feet three, he was short, ugly, and had a wandering blind eye on top. He never had nor cared for money, and, well, he was a philosopher, it’s not like that comes with huge power or status.
What he did have though, are dozens of lovers while at the same time being in a very long and happy open relationship with one of the most fascinating women of the time, Simone de Beauvoir. Great story.
LMS doesn’t matter much in attracting women if you’ve got what does.
On the other side, if you listen to some women, you’d end up believing that what will land you a relationship is emotional maturity, commitment to equality and sharing responsibilities, respect for women’s independence, and probably deep knowledge of feminist theory on top.
Again, all great things to have, but they are not what will allow you to find a relationship — it’s what will help you to keep it once you have it. None of this is about landing a first or second or tenth date. It’s about lasting after the new relationship energy has worn out. And about being a good person.
By all means, please do develop all of those excellent virtues. They are what will make you a great long-term partner.
But stop pretending that these are the main things that will attract women you start chatting with at a party or in a bar. Especially young women. You won’t get far with them by taking advice from middle-aged single moms jaded with past relationship failures — which were never their fault, obviously.
And sure, there are some defeating conditions which will mean that even if you do end up dating a girl, it will end pretty quickly. If you’re abusive, misogynist, or controlling, she’ll realise that pretty quickly and not want to be with you. If you’re unattractive and poor because you live like a slob and can’t be bothered finding a job, you won’t last long either.
But all that is still missing the three elephants in the room.
I see time and again how these three character traits prevent guys from getting anywhere in dating. They are what really matters in this whole shebang.
Sorry to say that, guys, but all the money, looks and status you can get, all the niceness and commitment to equality you can develop, matter squat, because you are…
Desperate, boring and selfish
Yeah, you heard me.
When I read some online forums where guys complain about their dating woes and fails at attracting women, I don’t understand how any of them can consider themselves having even the slightest of chances. They reek of desperation, have nothing interesting about them, and all they talk about is how it’s oh so hard for them because they are all that matters in this world.
I stop myself from saying this to their faces as I don’t think it helps, but I need to write about it here. I’m just bitching, I know. Don’t worry, I’ll get to the solutions soon.
Oh STFU Simon, you privileged smartass
Yeah, I know what you’re thinking.
Why should I listen to you? You were lucky enough to have middle-class parents who gave you a decent upbringing and a general feeling of security, inspired you to pursue hobbies, achieve things and give back. You might not be a 10 but you’re reasonably good looking, you’re healthy, have some money and status. And most of all, you’ve been in relationships pretty much continuously for the last 20 years, and with the whole poly thing you simultaneously had three girlfriends and who knows how many lovers!
Well, this is exactly why many of you should be listening to me. Because as far as I can tell, there are many men who had the same or better start than me, yet struggle with attracting women.
I recognise that this plays out differently for people with disabilities or chronic diseases, low socio-economic status, or minority ethnic backgrounds. If that’s you, please feel free to ignore me or write a reply on how I’m completely missing the point.
But if you’re a reasonably healthy white guy in the Global North, enjoyed some middle-class privilege as a kid and earn around the national average (because trust me, philosophers aren’t rich), then you are exactly the sort of person who should listen to me.
Because I’m guessing that if you’re reading this, we’ve had a similar start but we’re not in the same place now. I spent years building my confidence and relationship skills. I only properly started at 25, and I had many hiccups on the way. I have definitely had times when I’ve been desperate and selfish and I know exactly what a downward spiral this put me on. It has not been an easy ride but it has taught me a lot and I think you can benefit from what I’ve learned.
So strap on, survive a few paragraphs of stern talking to, and I’ll soon give you some tools that will get you closer to where I am now.
Desperate
Some guys got it in their head that attracting women is the most important thing in the world and if they don’t have a girlfriend, they’re a life failure. They judge themselves and others by this measure, only making it so much more important.
They feel so insecure on their own, as if they didn’t consider themselves a whole human until they pair up. It’s the constant ‘if only I had a girlfriend my whole world would magically make sense!’
They’ve got no boundaries, no self-respect, they’d do anything to get female validation and worse — to get validation from all the guys who keep measuring their worth by their dating success. They’ll play nice, but only for the sake of getting laid, then it doesn’t matter.
And when they start talking to women, they’re clinging to them like a damp rag, not letting them breathe, as if detaching for a second was just more failure.
It reeks!
Only those floating in the constant stench of desperation can’t smell it. Women will sniff it out a mile away and never get any closer. Why would they ever want someone who would demean himself so, pretend and cheat his way in, who is so dependent on others’ validation and doesn’t have enough self-worth to stand on his own feet without a crutch of a girlfriend? Why would they want to be his crutch?
Boring
Most of those guys have little to no imagination on how to improve their condition. They just repeat what others told them without a moment of independent thought. They have no concept of what would help them stand out from the crowd. They never push themselves to go further and they refuse to improve because it’s ‘too much work’ and ‘the standards are impossible’.
Honestly, there are men I start talking to and want to stab forks into my eyes five minutes in, just to get out of how dull the conversation is. (Yeah, women as well, I know — different topic).
I know our culture of convenience makes it way too easy to never have to leave the house or stop playing games, but nobody has ever gotten interesting that way!
All guys who take the couple rejections and romantic failures they had as teenagers as a reason to check out of society, bitch about how dating is impossible, and spend their lives between a job and a game, are working hard at becoming so boring that no woman will ever manage to spend five minutes with them without being entirely overtaken by the sudden need to jab forks into her eyes either!
Even those who do go out, are often just basic dude-bros with no personality, do what their friends want and approve of, follow what some brain-dead influencers tell them, and copy-and-paste the most generic and outdated life advice. They even look the same because they don’t dare step out of the jeans & t-shirt standard.
Selfish
And then, on top of it all, most of those guys are just so busy dwelling on their own singledom misery, as if it was the only thing that mattered in the universe. It’s all just ‘woe is me’ all the time! I need this, I can’t that, she’s mean to me…
This plays out for the narcissistic guys who are entirely focused on their own achievements. They don’t care if their work and actions make others suffer, wreck the environment, or bring about AI apocalypse. They’d never volunteer a minute to a good cause unless somebody sees it. They just want status and cash.
They want a girlfriend so they can feel good about themselves. They don’t sound like they want a relationship, they sound like they want another trophy to make them look more successful.
It also plays out for the desperate hide-in-the-basement guys who are only focused on their own misery. Checking out of society and the struggle of living with and for other people, is just admitting that all that matters is me. These guys also don’t care if their actions hurt others because they consider themselves such victims that they’re completely entitled to focus solely on their misery.
They want to find a girlfriend so they can feel less like a failure. They don’t sound like they want a relationship, they sound like they want someone to fix them and be their crutch.
Neither of them ever stop to think that maybe their selfishness is what makes them so unattractive. Because why would any woman want to reduce herself to being somebody’s trophy or crutch?
The entirely unsurprising failures
Time and again, I see guys fail at attracting women and complain about it like it was everybody else’s fault. ‘Dating is impossible!’ ‘Ridiculous standards!’ ‘I’m just too short!’ Meanwhile, it is blindingly obvious that they fit pretty damn well in one or more of the above categories.
Except that they don’t see it themselves.
And you know what? I’m not even judging. I don’t think I’ve ever been boring, but I certainly had times in my life when I was desperate and selfish. We all have times of weakness.
But we can’t just dwell in them, refusing to look in the mirror and improving.
And yes, it is hard work to improve.
Grow the fuck up and get used to the fact that
EVERYTHING THAT’S WORTH ANYTHING TAKES WORK
Life is not a never-ending TikTok feed of free dopamine, it’s not instant gratification of porn, and it has no cheat codes. You don’t get fit from taking a lift up a mountain, you get fit from putting your god damn hiking boots, strapping a backpack, and walking up, one foot after the other.
This is literally one of the most amazing things about masculinity — the strength to get shit done, no matter what. To set a target and go. To stop whining and get on with it. To do things because they’re hard. To conquer fears and bring down walls. To push boundaries and defy limitations. To rise above difficulties, persist through adversity, and achieve greatness.
If you can’t be bothered doing any of that, if you prefer sitting and complaining, then you are an evolutionary dead end, a living proof that the modern convenience culture is our undoing.
Honour your masculinity, take a long hard look in the mirror, and do what needs done.
I was going to share some pointers on how to get on with it, but this article is already way too long. You’ll get them — in the next one.
And check out more on attracting women and what to do to be wanted, not needed, too!
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