What is life like in the camp of fairness, kindness, love and everything nice? Come join us, but get ready to jump.
It’s a sunny day over our inclusive Progressive Camp. Soldiers from the Liberal, Feminist, and Vegan squadrons are joined by the Anticolonial and Totally Non-Toxic Men corps for training.
A drill sergeant draws a tiny circle in the middle of the compound and says:
‘All right, you lazy gits, I know you’re all standing around this vast socio-political field having your own worldviews and whatnot, but this very circle is the only rightful place where you can be truly good human beings worthy of our acceptance! In this circle, Wokeness is up to 11! So, get your asses ready and everyone jump straight into it right this moment!’
‘Errr… sergeant, this circle is awfully tiny, are you sure it can’t be at least a bit bigger?’
‘Absolutely not! Are you saying we should compromise on somebody’s rights? What, maybe you’d include taking a plane on routes where a train ride of under 2578km is possible, eh? Throw the whole planet under the bus just so it’s a bit easier for you to jump? Absolutely not! Nobody left behind, it’s the right way or no way, you’re either in that circle or I’ll splatter your pathetic excuse for a progressive all over Twitter!’
‘But what if we don’t manage to jump right on it, but a little bit next to it?’
‘What?! A bit next to it?! Maybe you just want to go straight for a date with Andrew Tate? Jump a millimetre beyond that line and I’ll put you right in front of the Cancelling Squad! They won’t know the difference between you and Tate anyway.’
‘Serge, some of us here are standing a bit further away from the circle, can we get there, like, in steps?’
‘IN STEPS?!?!?! Kid, every split second you are not in that circle, innocent people, animals, and plants are suffering, and you’re asking me if you can take your time? What, changing your entire belief system at this very moment is too hard for you? Poor baby can’t challenge all the social narratives you were brought up with and revise decades of internalised habits in a split second? Maybe you need some doggy treats to help motivate you to give up your priviledge? Get there in steps, my ass! Right here, right now, or I’ll shoot you down myself!’
‘Serge, but there are some problems some of us are also struggling with even though we admit we are quite priviledged…’
‘OK, I’m done with this nonsense!’
The Sergeant reloads their gun, soldiers jump in panic, bullets flying everywhere, soldiers falling like flies, some land on the circle but most don’t. The Sergeant blows the smoke off the gun, the survivors slowly relax…
Enters The Major. They look at the field, nod approvingly. They then look at the circle, eyes widening, shock on their face:
‘WHAT?! Sergeant, where is the third P in the full LGBTTQQUIAAAAPPP2SNBGVGQGNC+ acronym?!’
‘Are you telling me you allow your soldiers to ignore the perils of the pangender people? Or maybe it’s the pansexuals they can disregard? How can stand on the Side of Righteousness if they can’t even get their acronyms right?! Unbelievable!’
They take out their rifle and shoot the Sergeant and all the soldiers standing outside of where the circle clearly should have been. One soldier survives, knees shaking, in the middle of the circle.
Meanwhile, on the other side of the field, a Conservative camp is booming with life. The General receives a fresh tea from his Major.
‘Any news from the other side?’
‘Ideological disagreements again, Sir. We’ve got some deserters coming over, they seem battered, famished, and starved for validation.’
‘Will they swear to uphold family values and be vaguely on the side of the good old times?’
‘I think they’d do anything just to avoid having to dredge through tomes of dry postcolonial gender theory in the vain hope of receiving a scrap of acknowledgement and validation, Sir.’
‘Splendid. Pass them onto the Incel Corps, these boys will give them the right medicine.’
‘And Major? While those fools are purging themselves, let’s launch the Senate campaign.’