{"id":794,"date":"2024-07-24T16:59:26","date_gmt":"2024-07-24T16:59:26","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/simonfokt.org\/?p=794"},"modified":"2024-08-07T17:45:38","modified_gmt":"2024-08-07T17:45:38","slug":"three-character-traits-which-matter-most-in-attracting-women","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/simonfokt.org\/index.php\/2024\/07\/24\/three-character-traits-which-matter-most-in-attracting-women\/","title":{"rendered":"Three Character Traits Which Matter Most In Attracting Women"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p id=\"816e\"><strong>Dating and attracting women has undeniably become pretty hard these days. Particularly if you continue to rely on dating apps. But I see many guys complain about their dating woes yet fail at the three most fundamental things which make men attractive.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"e5a4\">No, it\u2019s not LMS\u00a0\u2014 looks, money or status. Like I said in\u00a0the<a href=\"https:\/\/simonfokt.org\/index.php\/2024\/07\/17\/the-three-things-which-prevent-men-from-attracting-women\/\"> previous article<\/a>, they\u00a0don\u2019t matter much. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-embed is-type-wp-embed is-provider-man-039-s-compass-with-dr-simon-fokt wp-block-embed-man-039-s-compass-with-dr-simon-fokt\"><div class=\"wp-block-embed__wrapper\">\n<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"PaaOXEhvjO\"><a href=\"https:\/\/simonfokt.org\/index.php\/2024\/07\/17\/the-three-things-which-prevent-men-from-attracting-women\/\">The Three Things Which Prevent Men From Attracting Women<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe loading=\"lazy\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\" sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" style=\"position: absolute; visibility: hidden;\" title=\"&#8220;The Three Things Which Prevent Men From Attracting Women&#8221; &#8212; Man&#039;s Compass with Dr Simon Fokt\" src=\"https:\/\/simonfokt.org\/index.php\/2024\/07\/17\/the-three-things-which-prevent-men-from-attracting-women\/embed\/#?secret=RgKWzNuxX9#?secret=PaaOXEhvjO\" data-secret=\"PaaOXEhvjO\" width=\"500\" height=\"282\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\"><\/iframe>\n<\/div><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"e5a4\">Of course, you should aim to achieve some basic standard on all three, but with most women, they make little difference once you\u2019re simply not a slob. As for the women who do really care about those \u2014 I\u2019d\u00a0avoid them like the plague. Or like gold diggers. Or a lifetime of basic. Take your\u00a0pick.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"f947\">I can certainly tell you that LMS is not what played a pivotal role in my developing a great relationship and sex life.\u00a0Instead, I found that there are three things which\u00a0are sure to spark interest and land me dates.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"f10c\">And you can develop them, too.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"2e4e\">The best thing is\u00a0\u2014 these are no cheap tricks which might manipulate a girl into bed but likely end in hurt and disappointment, and show everybody how weak and flimsy your moral spine is.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"8e7c\">These are about genuine self-improvement and becoming the sort of man women want to be around.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"8766\">This is for you<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"bd9e\">First of all, let me be clear that no man should ever aim to become a better man\u00a0<strong>for the sake of attracting women\u00a0<\/strong>or\u00a0<strong>because women tell him to<\/strong>. I know there are many women out there listing millions of requirements and men are sick and tired of feeling like they now need to tick all the boxes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"0651\">Don\u2019t improve yourself for women. Don\u2019t do it because society says you should. Don\u2019t do it to fit anyone\u2019s requirements or agenda.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"33a4\">Do it for yourself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image size-full\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"700\" height=\"441\" src=\"https:\/\/simonfokt.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/08\/image-15.jpeg\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-808\" srcset=\"https:\/\/simonfokt.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/08\/image-15.jpeg 700w, https:\/\/simonfokt.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/08\/image-15-300x189.jpeg 300w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 700px) 100vw, 700px\" \/><figcaption class=\"wp-element-caption\">Photo by&nbsp;<a href=\"https:\/\/unsplash.com\/@usmanyousaf?utm_source=medium&amp;utm_medium=referral\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" target=\"_blank\">Usman Yousaf<\/a>&nbsp;on&nbsp;<a href=\"https:\/\/unsplash.com\/?utm_source=medium&amp;utm_medium=referral\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" target=\"_blank\">Unsplash<\/a><\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"e874\">Like philosophers from Plato and Aristotle to Friedrich Nietzsche and Soren Kierkegaard said, do it to:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li>become your best self<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>live a flourishing life of eudaimon\u00eda<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>become who you are \u2014 make your actual self match your ideal self<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>achieve authenticity and freedom<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"9562\">It\u2019s not about what you do,\u00a0it\u2019s about who you are. Stop focusing on doing all you\u00a0can to find dates, and focus instead on being the sort of person who dates find themselves.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"9799\">Yes, it is going to take work<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"d7d1\">The world is full of guys who never push themselves to go further and refuse to improve because it\u2019s \u2018too much work\u2019 and \u2018the standards are impossible\u2019. They tend to be miserable and blame everyone except themselves.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"fc43\">Yes, it is\u00a0hard work. Grow the fuck up and get used to the fact that\u00a0<strong>EVERYTHING WORTH ANYTHING TAKES WORK!<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"d8ad\">Life is not a never-ending TikTok feed of free dopamine, it\u2019s not instant gratification of porn, and it has no cheat codes. You don\u2019t get fit from taking a lift up a mountain, you get fit from putting on your goddamn hiking boots, strapping a backpack,\u00a0and walking up, one foot after the other.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image size-full\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"700\" height=\"323\" src=\"https:\/\/simonfokt.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/08\/image-2.png\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-807\" srcset=\"https:\/\/simonfokt.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/08\/image-2.png 700w, https:\/\/simonfokt.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/08\/image-2-300x138.png 300w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 700px) 100vw, 700px\" \/><figcaption class=\"wp-element-caption\">Hiking in Macedonia<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"09b8\">This is literally one of the most amazing things about masculinity \u2014 the strength to get shit done, no matter what. To set a target and go. To stop whining and get on with it. To do things\u00a0<em>because<\/em><strong>\u00a0<\/strong>they\u2019re hard. To conquer fears and bring down walls. To push boundaries and defy limitations. To rise above difficulties, persist through adversity, and achieve greatness.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"f8a8\">If you can\u2019t\u00a0be bothered doing any of that, if you prefer sitting and complaining, then you are an evolutionary dead end, living proof that the\u00a0modern convenience culture is our undoing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"afc0\">Honour your masculinity, take a long hard look in the mirror, and do what needs done.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"4073\">Yes, you can make it easier<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"2712\">Having said that, let\u2019s be real. If it\u2019s too hard, we won\u2019t do it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"d126\">BJ Fogg captured that in his book&nbsp;<em>Tiny Habits<\/em>, where he developed the following formula:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<blockquote class=\"wp-block-quote is-layout-flow wp-block-quote-is-layout-flow\">\n<p id=\"7669\">Behaviour change = Ability * Motivation * Prompt<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"923e\">In other words, there are three things which impact whether you succeed in changing your behaviour:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ol class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li>How hard is it for you? Do you have the skill that matches the complexity of the task?<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>How motivated are you? Do you want it real bad or is it not a huge priority?<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>What reminds you about it? How likely are you to do it now rather than put it off indefinitely?<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"a311\">The idea is simple \u2014 you\u2019re more likely to change your behaviour if you have the skill to do it, you\u2019re highly motivated, and you have clear reminders.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"c970\">Now, here comes the twist. Most people fail at the motivation part. Our motivation goes up and down, we start very motivated and then it goes away. Just think about the last time you resolved to go to the gym \u2014 went well for the first week and then?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"dc57\">The trick is to compensate for the fluctuating motivation with the other variables: increase your ability and get good prompts. Importantly, you increase your ability not by training hard \u2014 instead, you just make the tasks simpler so that you already have\u00a0the ability to do them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"2e78\">Below, I will follow this model and highlight exactly how you can make each task easier, what will prompt you to do it, and how to stay motivated.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"faaf\">OK, enough preliminaries. Let\u2019s get into it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"7777\">Be chill<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"564e\">I know everyone says that the best way to attract a woman is to stop trying to attract women. And it\u2019s true. But how do you do that?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"36bd\">Many guys are just desperate to pair up. They hate being lonely and feel they need someone to\u00a0make their life complete. They miss the connection and want to feel wanted and desired.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"783d\">This is very understandable \u2014 we all crave love and sexual frustration is a real thing.\u00a0Both being underloved and underfucked has a massive influence on our mood and well-being. It\u2019s no wonder some people are desperate to make it stop.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"d188\">But the great majority of desperation doesn\u2019t come from that. It comes from the external and internal pressures we willingly put ourselves under. The good news is, we all have the power to let go of them and be free to just chill out.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"7adb\">Check out of social expectations<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"4f05\">The same rejection can happen to two people but it will crush one and the other will just shrug and move on. Why? Because the first one subscribes to a social narrative which says that attracting women and having a partner are oh-so-important. He thinks everyone expects it of him. He expects it of himself. And he can\u2019t stand failing this expectation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"0ac0\">It\u2019s the same as with anything else \u2014 whatever quest you\u2019re on if you feel like the world depends on it and everyone is watching you, you\u2019ll get stressed, tense, and probably mess up. This might even fly if you\u2019re doing some more technical task because objects don\u2019t notice you\u2019re tense. But humans do. It makes them tense, the atmosphere gets dense, and you\u2019re on a straight course for disaster.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image size-full\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"700\" height=\"492\" src=\"https:\/\/simonfokt.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/08\/image-14.jpeg\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-806\" srcset=\"https:\/\/simonfokt.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/08\/image-14.jpeg 700w, https:\/\/simonfokt.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/08\/image-14-300x211.jpeg 300w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 700px) 100vw, 700px\" \/><figcaption class=\"wp-element-caption\">image by&nbsp;<a href=\"https:\/\/www.freepik.com\/author\/EyeEm\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" target=\"_blank\">EyeEm<\/a>, Pixabay<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"aa6d\">Check out of this must-have-partner-now expectation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"1d43\">Don\u2019t hang out with people who have it and push it on you. Change the subject whenever it comes up. Speak out against people who shame others for being single.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"d13b\">If your family keeps asking you when are you finally going to find a girlfriend, have a serious conversation with them and tell them they are only making it harder. Don\u2019t talk to them about it at all.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"4a7c\">In particular \u2014 leave all the online spaces where this is all guys talk about because online anonymity brings out the worst in people. They will judge the living shit out of you and you know it. And even when you\u2019re getting sympathy, it still grounds the idea that something is seriously wrong and needs fixing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-custom-colour-1-color has-text-color has-link-color wp-elements-c374ad77cf3efe21cad1e57f2967cad2\" id=\"ddcd\"><em><strong>Make it easier:<\/strong>\u00a0If you don\u2019t feel you can speak out and explain, simply say: \u2018Let\u2019s not talk about this\u2019. If that\u2019s too hard, just leave the room. Or make an impression of your favourite character, like for example:<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list has-custom-colour-1-color has-text-color has-link-color wp-elements-d9f8ffd02998a477babc26f23c41798c\">\n<li><em>Zip it! (Dr Evil)<\/em><\/li>\n\n\n\n<li><em>Go away! (Luke Skywalker)<\/em><\/li>\n\n\n\n<li><em>We don\u2019t talk about Bruno (Encanto)<\/em><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"a9aa\">But the hardest thing to do is to challenge the expectations you have of yourself. We all internalise those social narratives. There is no easy path out of this one, but therapy definitely helps, as do many self-help techniques: meditation, journaling, practising gratitude, mindfulness\u2026 You can read around the topic and find what works for you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"64d2\">What I personally find helps me a lot, is just a healthy dose of\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/markmanson.net\/books\/subtle-art\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck<\/a>. If you generally don\u2019t care much about social expectations where they don\u2019t matter, you\u2019ll find it easier to not care about them in dating.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image size-full\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"700\" height=\"393\" src=\"https:\/\/simonfokt.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/08\/image-13.jpeg\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-805\" srcset=\"https:\/\/simonfokt.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/08\/image-13.jpeg 700w, https:\/\/simonfokt.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/08\/image-13-300x168.jpeg 300w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 700px) 100vw, 700px\" \/><figcaption class=\"wp-element-caption\">Do I look like I give a f*ck?<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-custom-colour-1-color has-text-color has-link-color wp-elements-6c12df77b78f6b7b22709e9e7ee33291\" id=\"de20\"><em><strong>Make it easier:\u00a0<\/strong>If you do therapy, the therapist will give you ideas on how to make things easier. If you do self-help on your own, start by making it super minimal \u2014 doing half an hour of meditation or a three-page journal entry is a lot, but what about a minute and one bullet point? Set a small goal \u2014 sometimes you might end up getting into it and doing more, other times not, but you\u2019ve done something and next time it will be easier.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-custom-colour-1-color has-text-color has-link-color wp-elements-ce1ff66b32975d81b3bef1205b293cf7\" id=\"2249\"><em><strong>Prompt yourself:\u00a0<\/strong>Find a thing you do every day and attach the self-help action to it. For example, think of three things you\u2019re grateful for every time you brush your teeth. Keep your journal by the kettle and write your one point while you\u2019re waiting for the water to boil.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"e684\">You might never be able to fully get rid of this judging voice in your head, but if you can make it quieter, and especially if you can shut up all the other voices around you, you\u2019ll go a long way.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"62f7\">Develop self-respect and a feeling of security<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"4d6f\">We are all sold this Rom-Com myth that we are halves of apples in search of our other half. It\u2019s one of the most harmful things humans have ever done to themselves.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image size-full\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"700\" height=\"520\" src=\"https:\/\/simonfokt.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/08\/image-1.png\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-804\" srcset=\"https:\/\/simonfokt.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/08\/image-1.png 700w, https:\/\/simonfokt.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/08\/image-1-300x223.png 300w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 700px) 100vw, 700px\" \/><figcaption class=\"wp-element-caption\">I think the sale of those things should be illegal<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"8989\">You are not a half of anything. You are the whole you. Why would you disrespect yourself by pretending otherwise?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"6692\">So long as you go through life feeling like you need someone or something to complete you, you will never be happy. You\u2019ll be constantly under pressure. Rejection will feel horrible because it\u2019s an act of denying you something you need. How could you feel secure if you feel you\u2019re lacking something vital?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"db60\">But if you don\u2019t? Whatever, you\u2019ll be fine without. Sure, a relationship might make your life better, but there\u2019s no pressure if it happens today or later. Many things would make your life better and you don\u2019t fret about them so much, do you?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"18be\">Remove those half-apple narratives from your life. Shut them down before they impact you.\u00a0Don\u2019t hang out with people who push them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"8fe0\">Do things\u00a0which make you feel complete. Be financially independent, learn a skill, work on your body, start a business, practice mindfulness. Go on a solo holiday. Get in trouble and then save yourself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"8f96\">Actively\u00a0choose solitude. The difference between solitude and loneliness is like the difference between leaving your job and being\u00a0fired. One you choose, one you don\u2019t. One is empowering, the other depressing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"6de8\">Be on your own intentionally. Choose to spend an evening in the great company of yourself. Don\u2019t just make the lonely evening go away with a game or Netflix. Do something fun that makes you enjoy your own presence \u2014 a hobby, an art, reading a great book. Treat yourself to a solo dinner, cinema trip, massage, and do it with the mindset of: \u2018I\u2019m going to treat myself today.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-custom-colour-1-color has-text-color has-link-color wp-elements-8935f8c4ae4d319cb0fbdc1cf8118c1e\" id=\"fa62\"><em><strong>Make it easier:<\/strong>\u00a0Set small goals \u2014 if a solo holiday sounds daunting, do a solo walk around the forest. Don\u2019t aim to work out for an hour every day \u2014 aim to do one push-up (and do more if you feel like it). Break bigger tasks into small manageable parts. If you can afford it, hire someone who will help you do that.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-custom-colour-1-color has-text-color has-link-color wp-elements-4750feeff508d1fb3926721dc3f75e99\" id=\"c70e\"><em><strong>Prompt yourself:<\/strong>\u00a0Set specific days and times, e.g. Tuesday evening is always me-time. Do one push-up every time you stand up from your computer. Identify your goals and reward yourself with quality time whenever you achieve one.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"73ad\">Slow down and chill the fuck out<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"ea06\">Guys commonly treat attracting women like a race and get disheartened when they don\u2019t see quick results. Our culture of instant gratification is not helping, and neither is porn which\u00a0makes it seem like sex should come with no effort.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"570b\">Taking it slow is always better. Most\u00a0women are quite weary of men and the best way to relax the atmosphere and show that you are a safe, trustworthy person, is to intentionally slow things down.\u00a0Don\u2019t try to schedule a date as soon as possible. Don\u2019t try to up the game until she obviously invites it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image size-full\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"700\" height=\"525\" src=\"https:\/\/simonfokt.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/08\/image-12.jpeg\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-803\" srcset=\"https:\/\/simonfokt.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/08\/image-12.jpeg 700w, https:\/\/simonfokt.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/08\/image-12-300x225.jpeg 300w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 700px) 100vw, 700px\" \/><figcaption class=\"wp-element-caption\">Slow date with some tree-bark ships? Great for its own sake.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"1aa1\">If you have the slightest sliver of doubt if she wants whatever you\u2019re proposing, say it upfront:\u00a0<em>hey, I noticed you\u2019re not super enthusiastic about this, so\u00a0how about we leave it for now? Just give me a sign when you\u2019re ready.\u00a0<\/em>Trust me, she\u2019ll appreciate the hell out of it and you will grow massively in her eyes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"4f01\">Maybe she\u2019ll take this as an opportunity to pull out, in which case you\u2019ll know that you saved both of you from making some bad decisions. Maybe she\u2019ll come back in a few days feeling she can trust you and take things further. Either way, it\u2019s\u00a0a win.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"7e6b\">But most importantly, if she chooses to come back, you\u2019ll know she\u2019s invested. She\u2019s not doing it because\u00a0<em>you\u00a0<\/em>wanted it \u2014 she\u2019s doing it because\u00a0<em>she<\/em>\u00a0wants to. Trust me, it\u2019s worth passing on a hundred opportunities to find the one that will make you feel\u00a0wanted.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"7f84\">So while you should naturally respect women\u2019s autonomy and right to choose simply because it\u2019s the\u00a0morally right thing to do, there is also a personal reason to do it. Nothing feels sweeter than a woman\u2019s genuine, free desire for you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-custom-colour-1-color has-text-color has-link-color wp-elements-5722de8424b903e229051d99628f4c01\" id=\"1257\"><em><strong>Make it easier:<\/strong>\u00a0Before meeting up, meditate a bit or practice mindfulness. It will relax you and you\u2019ll feel less urge to push. Set your intention for the meeting to be simply having a good time together, with no specific goal in mind. Early in the date, ask a few completely silly questions to which the answer is likely a \u2018no\u2019: \u2018Would you like to go to Mars tomorrow?\u2019 \u2018Should we buy a pet T-Rex?\u2019 Each time she declines, your brain is getting used to the idea she might say \u2018no\u2019 and you\u2019ll be less worried about potential rejection.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-custom-colour-1-color has-text-color has-link-color wp-elements-2d9deb3f098f6f336e788a4c1263aa3a\" id=\"2c50\"><em><strong>Prompt yourself:<\/strong>\u00a0Ask yourself: \u2018How is she enjoying it, 1\u201310?\u2019 every time a waiter passes by.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"4964\">Having said all that, sadly we still live in a world in which most women will wait for you to make the first move and there is a danger you\u2019ll miss your chance. I often feel that\u00a0unless I do something, nothing will ever happen.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"b9fe\">All who complain about how guys are too pushy should absolutely start by doing their fair share of initiating.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><a rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" target=\"_blank\" href=\"https:\/\/medium.com\/illumination\/on-being-desired-2edf546f9e3c?source=post_page-----c9270dc599a5--------------------------------\"><\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-embed is-type-wp-embed is-provider-man-039-s-compass-with-dr-simon-fokt wp-block-embed-man-039-s-compass-with-dr-simon-fokt\"><div class=\"wp-block-embed__wrapper\">\n<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"9eF4MxgN2z\"><a href=\"https:\/\/simonfokt.org\/index.php\/2023\/01\/29\/on-being-desired\/\">On Being Desired<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe loading=\"lazy\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\" sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" style=\"position: absolute; visibility: hidden;\" title=\"&#8220;On Being Desired&#8221; &#8212; Man&#039;s Compass with Dr Simon Fokt\" src=\"https:\/\/simonfokt.org\/index.php\/2023\/01\/29\/on-being-desired\/embed\/#?secret=UZI7vHzmun#?secret=9eF4MxgN2z\" data-secret=\"9eF4MxgN2z\" width=\"500\" height=\"282\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\"><\/iframe>\n<\/div><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"a830\">But the solution is not to push harder. The solution is to\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"2e4f\">Flirt<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"4ec9\">Flirting is all about suggesting and inviting, not pushing. It\u2019s about creating an atmosphere in which things could happen, but no pressure if they don\u2019t. It\u2019s about signalling you\u2019re open to things without asking anyone to do those things.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"2a1e\">Flirting is the best way to showcase that you\u2019re chill and confident. It says: \u2018We don\u2019t need to, but it would\u00a0be fun if we did.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image size-full\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"700\" height=\"394\" src=\"https:\/\/simonfokt.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/08\/image-11.jpeg\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-802\" srcset=\"https:\/\/simonfokt.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/08\/image-11.jpeg 700w, https:\/\/simonfokt.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/08\/image-11-300x169.jpeg 300w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 700px) 100vw, 700px\" \/><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"6b97\">Learn\u00a0to flirt. It&#8217;s the key to attracting women. It might be awkward at first, but it\u2019s a skill like any other, you can practice and perfect it. Think of it like bantering with your friends, just throwing in some very mildly intimate details and compliments.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"c12b\">Talk about a trip you took with a friend but casually mention that she wasn\u2019t half as gorgeously dressed as your date, and just move on without dropping a beat. Share some light-hearted secret, like an embarrassing moment from your childhood. Cheekily raise your eyebrow when anything she says could be a bit of an innuendo.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"0b9b\">All of those are an invitation to play and you\u2019ll quickly notice if she flirts back. As long as you keep flirting, you won\u2019t miss your chance.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-custom-colour-1-color has-text-color has-link-color wp-elements-92afca96adf99bf3f84ac47c30704087\" id=\"986c\"><em><strong>Make it easier:<\/strong>\u00a0Use quotes from movies to flirt \u2014 it\u2019s easier if it\u2019s not your own words. Reuse stories and lines which worked well before. Wear clothes you feel comfortable in. Choose meeting places you\u2019re familiar with and like. Whenever anything goes wrong, take a toilet break and cool down.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-custom-colour-1-color has-text-color has-link-color wp-elements-8b6f96303f43df4be29b67dfda970f5f\" id=\"aa8b\"><em><strong>Prompt yourself:<\/strong>\u00a0At a dinner date, ask her an interesting question every time a waiter comes by (if existing conversation allows, of course).<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"7f59\">Be interesting<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"2f83\">I have a personal rule. If I can\u2019t spend an hour talking to a woman without dying of\u00a0boredom, I don\u2019t sleep with her. Not to even mention pursuing a relationship or even a friendship.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"119d\">This rules out quite a lot of people. I wanted to say \u2018unfortunately\u2019, but actually, it\u2019s pretty fortunate. It\u2019s a good heuristic that helps me avoid getting bogged down in situations I will later regret. I don\u2019t have the time to waste on someone who gets attached but brings nothing into my life. Not even if she\u2019s hot, because without personality that actually gets old pretty quickly.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"f193\">I know that many guys don\u2019t think this way. But I am pretty sure that most women do. Correct me if I\u2019m wrong, ladies.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"038a\">If you live your life between a job and a game, if you struggle to answer when people ask you about your hobbies, if you never travelled much, if you dress the same way everyone does, if you take the most convenient path to every goal, if you\u2019re way more likely to read about a thing than to do that thing, if you fill your free time with films, games or social media, if you haven\u2019t tried anything new for months, if you\u2019re not actively fighting for a cause you\u2019re passionate about, if you don\u2019t create anything \u2014 well, you\u2019re probably not very exciting to meet.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"95a0\">This is the main reason women fall for bad boys \u2014 they might be bad, but they sure are exciting.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"2d63\">So here is a quick test for you, guys. Imagine yourself an hour into the first date. Is she looking at you with excitement for having met such an interesting person, or is she dying of boredom? It\u2019s probably somewhere in between, but closer to which end?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"040f\">If you\u2019re worried you might be dangerously close to the bottom end of this scale, it\u2019s probably time to look into becoming more interesting. Even if you think you\u2019re at a healthy level, there\u2019s probably something you could improve.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"3a80\">It requires stepping out of your comfort zone, but it\u2019s really not that hard. Humans evolved to be natural novelty seekers \u2014 just lean into this and allow yourself to explore. You\u2019ll need to give yourself a bit of a push to get started but once you do, it\u2019s really fun. It\u2019s a real win-win situation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"0c09\">Try new things<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"fa4a\">First of all, you won\u2019t know what are the things that could make you more interesting until you try them. It\u2019s what we call \u2018unknown unknowns\u2019 \u2014 stuff you didn\u2019t even know existed or never thought would be available for you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"6f08\">I had no idea I could do acrobalance or fire spinning until I joined a performance group that did it. I always thought building human pyramids or running about with massive ball of fire were circus skills you needed years of training for. Turns out, a bunch of amateurs of all shapes, sizes and fitness levels can learn it all to a pretty decent level within a couple of months of training. It\u2019s super fun and looks awesome.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image size-full\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"700\" height=\"526\" src=\"https:\/\/simonfokt.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/08\/image-10.jpeg\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-801\" srcset=\"https:\/\/simonfokt.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/08\/image-10.jpeg 700w, https:\/\/simonfokt.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/08\/image-10-300x225.jpeg 300w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 700px) 100vw, 700px\" \/><figcaption class=\"wp-element-caption\">Photos by the awesome Beltane Fire Society<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"62e6\">Acrobatics doesn\u2019t speak to you? There are a million things you could try. Some are obvious but you\u2019ve probably never done them: fancy cooking, gardening, country cycling, ballroom dancing, playing an instrument, writing. Others are more adventurous: join a theatre group, brew your own beer, build furniture, get into fashion, become a toastmaster, play geocaching, sculpt in wood or clay, do wilderness survival, explore caves, train for an IronMan challenge, explore abandoned buildings, try tree or rock climbing, start blogging. And why not go for some sexy stuff while you\u2019re at it: learn to do rope bondage, learn pole dancing, make your own sex toys, build fetish furniture.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"c5d1\">Sounds daunting? I know! Here is how to make it easier and lower the stakes:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-custom-colour-1-color has-text-color has-link-color wp-elements-32b47ed6966be05f8d60e239a4d92cd6\" id=\"c98d\"><em><strong>Assume you\u2019ll fail and it\u2019s just for lolz.<\/strong>\u00a0If you\u2019re expecting to get good at everything, you\u2019ll be afraid to fail and never start. Instead, expect to fail. Do it ironically, if you must. Because realistically speaking, you\u2019ll suck at most things you try. So what? Nobody cares. If they bring you joy, do them anyway. If they don\u2019t, just keep trying until you find the ones that do. In time, you\u2019ll find a couple that stick.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-custom-colour-1-color has-text-color has-link-color wp-elements-78275f4b7a92a8f2a865ad3d2f708452\" id=\"bff6\"><em><strong>Pick at random.<\/strong>\u00a0You can further lower the stakes by making a long list of options \u2014 including all the unlikely ones \u2014 and then pick them out of a hat at random. Better \u2014 ask somebody else to make the list. Ask ChatGPT. Then it\u2019s a game: whatever you randomly pick, you must do. By taking away the choice, you further reduce the \u2018I must be good at it\u2019 factor because you haven\u2019t even chosen this stuff! Of course you\u2019ll suck at something you didn\u2019t even pick yourself, but what the hell, give it a go anyway!<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-custom-colour-1-color has-text-color has-link-color wp-elements-8823cdbc9178bc4a4c6b9aec845e4825\" id=\"9e47\"><em><strong>Do it with others.<\/strong>\u00a0The hardest part is always getting started. I know that when I\u2019m relying just on my willpower, I\u2019ll be putting it off forever. The solution is to once again externalise choice \u2014 if I join a group that does something, I can\u2019t choose to postpone, the group meeting is scheduled and I need to show up. And you mostly don\u2019t even have to start your own \u2014 you\u2019ll find dozens of groups on Meetup.com, and while it will naturally be easier if you live in a big city, many of them operate online.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"6bb2\">You know what\u2019s best? Just checking out many new things already makes you interesting. But then, you\u2019ll eventually find one or two you actually like and are good at. Pursue them. There\u2019s nothing sexier than a guy who has a true passion.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"66f5\">Travel<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"b533\">When I finished my PhD, I went on a two-month solo travel around New Zealand, Indonesia and India. I had no plan other than pre-booked flights. It was like a passage ritual to me \u2014&nbsp;<em>take this spear and survive in a distant land<\/em>. I didn\u2019t have a spear. I had one small backpack and somewhat shaky knees.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"0679\">I think this was the single best thing I\u2019ve done for my confidence and becoming an interesting person. When I sat on the bus to the airport in Edinburgh, I was scared shitless and wanted to cancel it all. When I got back, I felt like I could do anything and had a hundred stories to prove it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image size-full\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"684\" height=\"1024\" src=\"https:\/\/simonfokt.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/08\/image-9.jpeg\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-800\" srcset=\"https:\/\/simonfokt.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/08\/image-9.jpeg 684w, https:\/\/simonfokt.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/08\/image-9-200x300.jpeg 200w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 684px) 100vw, 684px\" \/><figcaption class=\"wp-element-caption\">Sumatran rainforest, pretty big trees\u2026<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"3b44\">You don\u2019t need to go that far. There is an infinite variety of options available and you can easily adjust them to your comfort zone, finances and ability.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"b6a8\">But the way to adjust is not to stay well within your comfort zone. The aim is to be at the edge of it. Go somewhere that sounds just a bit challenging and scary but still doable. Maybe for you, it\u2019s a weekend mountain hike. Maybe it\u2019s the Carnival in Rio. Maybe it\u2019s a month-long journey through India.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"2838\">You can plan it in detail or go YOLO and hope for the best. You can go with people or do it solo. You can take an organised trip or plan it all yourself. You can pay for it or you can do it for free, hitchhiking, couchsurfing or volunteering.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"cc21\">The point is \u2014 experience new things and push yourself a bit. Next time, push yourself a bit more. And more. The further you go, the more you have to organise yourself and the less plan you have, the more likely it is you\u2019ll come across things which will give you new ideas, expand your horizons, and make for amazing stories.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"fafe\">And give you way more confidence and faith in yourself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-custom-colour-1-color has-text-color has-link-color wp-elements-2a169e1af11c8ddc9c3f5d4c1ee6034d\" id=\"b6b8\"><em><strong>Make it easier:<\/strong>\u00a0Don\u2019t compromise on the trip itself being a challenge. Instead, make it easier by ensuring you\u2019ve got the right equipment for it. Do more planning. Read reviews. Make the trip on the map first. Talk to your friends about it and hear them be excited for you.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-custom-colour-1-color has-text-color has-link-color wp-elements-d4f4bb282019b002c4fabe5de8ff4472\" id=\"d2f1\"><em><strong>Prompt yourself:<\/strong>\u00a0Have specific times in the year when you travel. Set up a recurring calendar reminder to book tickets and start planning. Every time you pass a travel or outdoors store, pause and think about your next trip.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"7383\">Be critical of convenience culture<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"e3a4\">We have grown very accustomed to having it easy these days. You can travel without organising anything and never have to deal with the locals. You can buy everything you want with two clicks and get it delivered tomorrow. There is a service for everything and technology feeds you instant gratification with no effort.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"ec19\">Don\u2019t you feel like something is lost along the way? Like taking a lift up a mountain isn\u2019t exactly the same as putting your boots on and climbing it yourself?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image size-full\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"700\" height=\"323\" src=\"https:\/\/simonfokt.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/08\/image-8.jpeg\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-799\" srcset=\"https:\/\/simonfokt.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/08\/image-8.jpeg 700w, https:\/\/simonfokt.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/08\/image-8-300x138.jpeg 300w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 700px) 100vw, 700px\" \/><figcaption class=\"wp-element-caption\">Climbing Mount Olympus<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"e66b\">You might know the notion of&nbsp;<strong>intentional hardship<\/strong>&nbsp;from David Goggins, Jordan Peterson or Tim Ferris, but philosophers have been talking about it for millennia. Across continents, times and cultures, Confucius, Socrates, Al-Ghazali, and countless others emphasized the importance of enduring hardships and practising self-discipline to cultivate virtue and moral character. Seneca and the Stoics were particularly big on this.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"e6f7\">And probably your dad when he annoyed you saying that doing stuff you hate builds character.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"faf7\">Well, it does.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"e6c5\">It also makes you interesting. Overcoming obstacles is interesting. You learn skills, work out solutions, and meet new people along the way. You see others do things differently and it gives you more ideas. You finish being proud of your achievement. You get inspired to do more. You start believing in yourself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"fdee\"><strong>Boredom&nbsp;<\/strong>is one of the hardships you can pretty much never experience. The attention economy is predicated on taking as much of your attention as possible, leaving you with no time when you\u2019re not consuming content.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"d1fa\">But you know full well that your most interesting thoughts come when you\u2019re in the shower.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"3558\">You don\u2019t notice interesting things on the way if you\u2019re glued to your phone. You don\u2019t come up with new stuff to do if you\u2019re never lacking in pre-packaged, pre-delivered stuff. You don\u2019t get original thoughts if you are constantly bombarded with other people\u2019s thoughts.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"966d\">Allow yourself to be bored, ideally every day. Don\u2019t watch or listen to stuff while eating, cleaning or washing. Don\u2019t take your phone with you if you don\u2019t really need it. Let your thoughts wander and see where they go, because they will take you to interesting places.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-custom-colour-1-color has-text-color has-link-color wp-elements-7b9275c1c6db4ea384883b4e2d154780\" id=\"dcec\"><em><strong>Make it easier:<\/strong>\u00a0Engage in intentional hardship with others \u2014 it\u2019s more fun and motivating to do it with people. Join clubs. Get better tools or equipment. If there is a way to gamify it or earn certifications, prizes or badges, do it. Have a special place at home where you put your phone so you don\u2019t look at it all the time. Carry your phone in your backpack, not your pocket.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-custom-colour-1-color has-text-color has-link-color wp-elements-418bcca250bad5abfc892acee51eb221\" id=\"9932\"><em><strong>Prompt yourself:<\/strong>\u00a0Whenever you\u2019re in the shower, think of the next challenge you could give yourself. Whenever you are scrolling and see a person dancing\/eating\/whatever, put your phone down.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"ee09\">Talk to people you disagree with<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"f7e7\">Another horrible thing modern technology has done to us is absolve us of the need to face ideas and people we disagree with. Social media close you in an echo chamber, feed you a distorted image of those who hold other views, and make it easy to discard them as stupid, evil, or both.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image size-full\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"700\" height=\"394\" src=\"https:\/\/simonfokt.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/08\/image-7.jpeg\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-798\" srcset=\"https:\/\/simonfokt.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/08\/image-7.jpeg 700w, https:\/\/simonfokt.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/08\/image-7-300x169.jpeg 300w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 700px) 100vw, 700px\" \/><figcaption class=\"wp-element-caption\">Photo by&nbsp;<a href=\"https:\/\/unsplash.com\/@javaistan?utm_source=medium&amp;utm_medium=referral\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" target=\"_blank\">Afif Ramdhasuma<\/a>&nbsp;on&nbsp;<a href=\"https:\/\/unsplash.com\/?utm_source=medium&amp;utm_medium=referral\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" target=\"_blank\">Unsplash<\/a><\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"beae\">Being exposed to people with different views does four things to you:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ol class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li>It broadens your horizons as at least sometimes those people have interesting things to say and you can learn from them<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>It trains your logic and rhetoric skills as you defend your views<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>It trains your emotional intelligence as you need to navigate the discussion in a way that avoids turning it into an argument<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>It makes you more empathetic as you learn that the \u2018others\u2019 are actually quite all right<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"8b5e\">All of those make you more interesting as little by little you become a better debater with more nuanced perspectives, better communication skills, and an ability to see the best in others. What will help you get there?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-custom-colour-1-color has-text-color has-link-color wp-elements-15d89e1707548dd49e67318c2397d270\" id=\"858d\"><em><strong>Pick light topics.<\/strong>\u00a0You don\u2019t need to discuss politics or serious social issues. Talk about some film, or a celebrity, or new technology. You\u2019ll find your views differ in ways that are interesting but not so threatening.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-custom-colour-1-color has-text-color has-link-color wp-elements-ae36ca99a54c9274595869bcc26977b3\" id=\"81e8\"><em><strong>Argue for sport (but be sensitive).<\/strong>\u00a0Try to defend a view you don\u2019t agree with. Ask the other person to switch positions with you so they defend your view and you theirs. Just make sure it\u2019s not a topic that is deeply personal to either of you.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-custom-colour-1-color has-text-color has-link-color wp-elements-090ca658e574d0b88eb7f7e50391dd24\" id=\"9c74\"><em><strong>Join a debating or Toastmasters club.<\/strong>\u00a0Turning it into an organised activity with a regular group of people will make it much easier to get started.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-custom-colour-1-color has-text-color has-link-color wp-elements-4b326185b044c79257365becb70c63cd\" id=\"d1f6\"><em><strong>Steel-man your opponents\u2019 arguments.<\/strong>\u00a0If you think what they say is weak, don\u2019t just shoot it down. Instead, try to find the strongest possible understanding of what they say and argue with this.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"4bbe\">Be generous, kind and altruistic<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"ee4d\">The Dalai Lama once said:&nbsp;<em>If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.&nbsp;<\/em>It sounds paradoxical, but&nbsp;<a href=\"https:\/\/www.sciencedirect.com\/science\/article\/pii\/S0022103117303451\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" target=\"_blank\">study<\/a>&nbsp;after&nbsp;<a href=\"https:\/\/www.apa.org\/pubs\/journals\/releases\/bul-bul0000298.pdf#:~:text=URL%3A%20https%3A%2F%2Fwww.apa.org%2Fpubs%2Fjournals%2Freleases%2Fbul,100\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" target=\"_blank\">study<\/a>&nbsp;after&nbsp;<a href=\"https:\/\/worldhappiness.report\/ed\/2023\/doing-good-and-feeling-good-relationships-between-altruism-and-well-being-for-altruists-beneficiaries-and-observers\/\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" target=\"_blank\">study<\/a>&nbsp;shows that the top thing you can do to make yourself happier is to stop thinking about yourself and start focusing on others.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"f739\">Unfortunately, much of the Western world with its focus on individualism is telling us to put ourselves first. It\u2019s a selfish culture we live in. And men who struggle with attracting women are rather prone to mostly think of themselves in this context.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"bd61\">But it\u2019s not only that you\u2019ll be happier if you become less self-centred \u2014 you will also be more attractive. Humans are social animals and we evolved to appreciate pro-social behaviour in others.&nbsp;<a href=\"https:\/\/www.researchgate.net\/publication\/232516571_Dominance_Prosocial_Orientation_and_Female_Preferences_Do_Nice_Guys_Really_Finish_Last\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" target=\"_blank\">Study<\/a>&nbsp;after&nbsp;<a href=\"https:\/\/www.sciencedirect.com\/science\/article\/abs\/pii\/S0092656610000279\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" target=\"_blank\">study<\/a>&nbsp;after&nbsp;<a href=\"https:\/\/wlv.openrepository.com\/bitstream\/handle\/2436\/622371\/Bhogal,%20Farrelly%20and%20Galbraith.%20Review%20Paper.pdf;jsessionid=C98AB48A7D2D56F092C20A840F414732?sequence=2\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" target=\"_blank\">study<\/a>&nbsp;shows that women find men who are pro-social to be more attractive.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"51a0\">Not to mention that if there is a single thing that pretty much all religions, philosophies and political systems agree on, it\u2019s that being selfless and helping others is good. The way we judge narcissists, psychopaths and sociopaths, the very fact that we all tend to find excuses if we act in selfish ways, all show how little we think of those who are not pro-social.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"a32c\">If there is a single best thing you can do to promote your own well-being, attractiveness and reputation, it\u2019s becoming more generous, kind, and altruistic.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"a843\">And just to be clear, there is no faking it.&nbsp;<a href=\"https:\/\/journals.sagepub.com\/doi\/10.1177\/147470490300100104\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" target=\"_blank\">Study<\/a>&nbsp;after&nbsp;<a href=\"https:\/\/link.springer.com\/article\/10.1007\/s12110-009-9070-8\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" target=\"_blank\">study<\/a>&nbsp;after&nbsp;<a href=\"https:\/\/www.researchgate.net\/publication\/348312886_How_to_Detect_Altruists_Experiments_Using_a_Zero-Acquaintance_Video_Presentation_Paradigm\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" target=\"_blank\">study<\/a>&nbsp;shows that humans are pretty good at detecting genuine and fake altruism. Cheating won\u2019t get you far.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"c873\">Engage in pro-social projects, jobs, activism<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"cd97\">Probably the best way to practice everyday altruism is to get a job where you genuinely work to make the world a better place. I\u2019ve got this part cornered \u2014 I teach data ethics at a time when we desperately need to not screw up the world with AI, and write about masculinity at a time when so many men are struggling and need guidance.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image size-full\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"700\" height=\"420\" src=\"https:\/\/simonfokt.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/08\/image-6.jpeg\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-797\" srcset=\"https:\/\/simonfokt.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/08\/image-6.jpeg 700w, https:\/\/simonfokt.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/08\/image-6-300x180.jpeg 300w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 700px) 100vw, 700px\" \/><figcaption class=\"wp-element-caption\">Promoting my project at the University of Sheffield<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"71e2\">But you don\u2019t need to be a doctor, teacher, social worker, or firefighter. You can be an accountant, electrician or engineer, but work for a company or NGO which does something good for the world. You can be a CEO who prioritises people over profit. You can be a car mechanic, plumber or sales assistant who treats customers with honesty and respect.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"11e6\">And whatever your job is, you can choose to spend your free time on selfish hedonism of games, films or parties. On pursuing personal achievements in sports or hobbies. On only interacting with those who make you feel good.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"f3c2\">Or you can choose to spend it on volunteering for your local community. Join an activist group fighting for a good cause. Organise events others will enjoy, run a self-improvement club, share skills with friends and strangers.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"c493\">You can spend your expendable income on gadgets you don\u2019t need, or you can use it to organise community events, support good causes, and pay a little extra for Fairtrade, organic products.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"c3d6\">All of those signal you\u2019re a good person and for all the attraction of bad boys, if you can combine being interesting and good, you\u2019ll stand even better chances.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-custom-colour-1-color has-text-color has-link-color wp-elements-b7fcaa465a02e945d5eb477532859f7b\" id=\"39d6\"><em><strong>Make it easier:<\/strong>\u00a0Use resources such as\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/www.effectivealtruism.org\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">Effective Altruism<\/a>\u00a0to help you decide how to volunteer your time and money. Join pro-social groups because then you won\u2019t need to figure out what to do yourself.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-custom-colour-1-color has-text-color has-link-color wp-elements-9d9bcfa0ffb0c4b83c2b40332b38f7c6\" id=\"7036\"><em><strong>Prompt yourself:<\/strong>\u00a0Every time you play a game or watch TV put some change in a tin and then donate it to charity. Every time you brush your teeth, recall one altruistic thing you\u2019ve done recently and congratulate yourself for it. When you plan your week, always include one calendar item where you help somebody for free.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"1ca9\">Treat people with respect and kindness<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"d14a\">I know it\u2019s fun to poke and troll people. It\u2019s messed up how Nature gave us this weird feeling of joy when we see others fail. That feeling of power when we push others down.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"8f6a\">Thankfully, Nature also gave us brains. They don\u2019t develop fully until we\u2019re about 26, but past that age, we should really appreciate that what makes a great man is not pushing others down and seeing them fail, but lifting others and supporting their growth.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image size-full\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"684\" height=\"1024\" src=\"https:\/\/simonfokt.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/08\/image-5.jpeg\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-796\" srcset=\"https:\/\/simonfokt.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/08\/image-5.jpeg 684w, https:\/\/simonfokt.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/08\/image-5-200x300.jpeg 200w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 684px) 100vw, 684px\" \/><figcaption class=\"wp-element-caption\">The Guru I ment in Omkareshwar, India<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"7f49\">This is the number one quality of a great leader: helping people put their talents to good use and flourish. Creating an atmosphere where people feel supported, respected and valued.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"6194\">It\u2019s an essential quality of a good partner because respecting each other as equals and lifting each other up are the cornerstones of lasting relationships.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"89c0\">It\u2019s the building block of social life because one person\u2019s respectful and kind attitude inspires others to be respectful and kind. The way you act not only comes back to you \u2014 it creates a culture that benefits everyone.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"4e81\">It\u2019s best to think about this in terms of power. We all have some sort of power over others, ranging from CEOs who can determine how a company is run to an average Joe who can interact with people on social media. We can see it as&nbsp;<strong>power over<\/strong>&nbsp;others and use it to make others do what we want or just to see us as superior (introduce employee surveillance, bully or shame people on social media). We can see it as&nbsp;<strong>power to<\/strong>&nbsp;build and use it to inspire others to grow and do something good for the world (inspire supportive company culture, talk to and help friends who need it).<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"c73d\">I don\u2019t think I need to explain which is better and what she will find more promising in a potential partner.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-custom-colour-1-color has-text-color has-link-color wp-elements-44cc3c0380f532405ad6372feb775658\" id=\"77f8\"><em><strong>Make it easier:<\/strong>\u00a0Avoid people who use their power to put others down and befriend those who lift you up. Hang out with kind and respectful people. Don\u2019t consume divisive, angry content. Have a kind and de-escalating reply prepared to use whenever someone is mean to you.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-custom-colour-1-color has-text-color has-link-color wp-elements-93c4c1ceec22af9e43bd85654ad6d097\" id=\"6701\"><em><strong>Prompt yourself:<\/strong>\u00a0Every first day of the month plan to do one nice thing for one friend. Set up a timer on your email and social media replies so they don\u2019t post instantly, giving you time to review and check if they are kind and respectful.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"007a\">Be (reasonably) generous with your time and resources<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"c990\">If you\u2019re in a bar, buy a round. When a friend asks if anyone can help them move home, volunteer to help. If you\u2019re part of a team project, be the first to take on some responsibilities. If you have a spare hour or two a week, volunteer it to a good cause.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image size-full\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"700\" height=\"467\" src=\"https:\/\/simonfokt.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/08\/image-4.jpeg\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-795\" srcset=\"https:\/\/simonfokt.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/08\/image-4.jpeg 700w, https:\/\/simonfokt.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/08\/image-4-300x200.jpeg 300w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 700px) 100vw, 700px\" \/><figcaption class=\"wp-element-caption\">Photo by&nbsp;<a href=\"https:\/\/unsplash.com\/@ullash_borah?utm_source=medium&amp;utm_medium=referral\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" target=\"_blank\">Ullash Borah<\/a>&nbsp;on&nbsp;<a href=\"https:\/\/unsplash.com\/?utm_source=medium&amp;utm_medium=referral\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" target=\"_blank\">Unsplash<\/a><\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"b35a\">Naturally, we all need to be careful with our time and resources and there are limits to how much we can offer. Those of us who have more can offer more. Either way, it\u2019s important to know when to say \u2018no\u2019 before you exhaust yourself. But we can all do quite a lot before that moment comes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"ba57\">Importantly, be generous whether people are watching or not. First of all, people are always watching. Secondly, we\u2019re all pretty good at telling when someone is giving just for show. You\u2019re fooling no one. Finally, generosity, like every other virtue, becomes a part of your character, so even invisible acts of it add up to who you are.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"8ed6\">Being generous inspires others to be generous, and thus once again \u2014 you not only end up benefitting yourself, you also create a culture which benefits everyone.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-custom-colour-1-color has-text-color has-link-color wp-elements-f98236ec7d6e76b40d09fd27843a1f1b\" id=\"bb6f\"><em><strong>Make it easier:<\/strong>\u00a0Pick the shortest possible volunteering shift. Explore the online micro-volunteering world. Set up a small recurring charity donation so you don\u2019t need to remember about it. Join a local charitable group, you won\u2019t need to decide what to do. Use a charity app which automatically donates when you shop. Think about the people you\u2019re helping and how you impact them.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-custom-colour-1-color has-text-color has-link-color wp-elements-ed0a83bb64c6ec089c370b06c44aadc7\" id=\"84eb\"><em><strong>Prompt yourself:<\/strong>\u00a0Set calendar reminders for a weekly act of charity. Do a micro-volunteering task right after lunch or at another time when you know you won\u2019t realistically get right back to work anyway.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"c6ca\">Stop doing and start being<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"4f22\">You\u2019ll notice a common theme here. The tips are not about the specific things you can do, but about becoming a certain kind of man. A man who is relaxed, interesting, and giving.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"2158\">It\u2019s broadly inspired by the Aristotelian account of virtues as character traits you embody. You train virtues such as generosity, wisdom or confidence through actions, but the specific things you do are just a method of becoming a man of virtue.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"fd04\">Translated to the dating context,\u00a0what makes you attractive is not the specific things you do \u2014 witty lines you say, clothes you wear, gifts you give, food you pay for. Instead, it\u2019s who you are. If you are a confident, interesting and generous man, it\u2019s going to shine through your actions without you trying.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"88bd\">This is where the \u2018just be yourself\u2019 advice starts making sense. If you\u2019re desperate, boring and selfish, just being yourself isn\u2019t going to attract anyone. But\u00a0if you are a man of virtue, a relaxed, interesting and generous man, just being yourself is incredibly attractive.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"a67c\">But Simon! Women fail, too!<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"6b16\">Yeah, I know. Some women are definitely also desperate, boring and selfish.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"d549\">Hey, we live in times of increasing gender equality and women have proven time and again that they are perfectly capable of being just as shit and toxic as men. There, I said it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-embed is-type-wp-embed is-provider-man-039-s-compass-with-dr-simon-fokt wp-block-embed-man-039-s-compass-with-dr-simon-fokt\"><div class=\"wp-block-embed__wrapper\">\n<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"aqgXjs0jQE\"><a href=\"https:\/\/simonfokt.org\/index.php\/2023\/02\/22\/the-dark-side-of-gender-equality\/\">The Dark Side of Gender Equality<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe loading=\"lazy\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\" sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" style=\"position: absolute; visibility: hidden;\" title=\"&#8220;The Dark Side of Gender Equality&#8221; &#8212; Man&#039;s Compass with Dr Simon Fokt\" src=\"https:\/\/simonfokt.org\/index.php\/2023\/02\/22\/the-dark-side-of-gender-equality\/embed\/#?secret=4pTjxtXrLV#?secret=aqgXjs0jQE\" data-secret=\"aqgXjs0jQE\" width=\"500\" height=\"282\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\"><\/iframe>\n<\/div><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"13d4\">Some of them do have impossible standards and they will always make you feel judged and less than. Some think they deserve a princess\u2019s life by virtue of the glorious fact they have a vagina. Whatever!<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"84a8\">Just ignore them. Let them complain how no man is good enough and die bitter and alone. You focus on the sensible ones.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"6634\">And no, I am not going to write a text about women\u2019s failings. My goal is to help men become better and I don\u2019t think that complaining about women makes us better. End of story.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"b319\">But Simon! You cheated!<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"54fd\">This isn\u2019t a piece about three easy ways to pick up chicks! It\u2019s all about becoming a better man who is genuinely good company!<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"3fd1\">Well, yeah.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"54fa\">I said attracting women is about character traits which make you attractive. Turns out, being a great person who\u2019s good company makes you attractive. Who would have suspected?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"864b\">The bonus is \u2014 at the end, you become a genuinely better person. Because what, if you do it but not find a girlfriend, you\u2019ll say:&nbsp;<em>\u2018what a waste of time, I\u2019ve become confident, interesting and generous for nothing!\u2019&nbsp;<\/em>???<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"8ac8\">If you want a cheat sheet on how to get a girl in bed by Friday, bad luck. This guide is for guys who want something more than that. For guys who want to be genuinely attractive and build relationships that last.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"9a85\">And sure, it\u2019s more work than a\u00a0PUA\u00a0cheat sheet. Like I said, tough shit. Everything worth anything takes work. I gave you some pointers on how to make it easier but at the end of the day, no pain no gain.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"2075\">I can\u2019t believe I\u2019m saying this, but stop whining, be a man and get to work.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Dating and attracting women has undeniably become pretty hard these days. Particularly if you continue to rely on dating apps. But I see many guys complain about their dating woes yet fail at the three most fundamental things which make men attractive. No, it\u2019s not LMS\u00a0\u2014 looks, money or status. Like I said in\u00a0the previous [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":809,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[9],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-794","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-love-sex-and-dating"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v27.4 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>Three Character Traits Which Matter Most In Attracting Women - Man&#039;s Compass with Dr Simon Fokt<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Struggling with attracting women? 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