{"id":788,"date":"2024-07-17T16:52:03","date_gmt":"2024-07-17T16:52:03","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/simonfokt.org\/?p=788"},"modified":"2024-08-11T09:19:12","modified_gmt":"2024-08-11T09:19:12","slug":"the-three-things-which-prevent-men-from-attracting-women","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/simonfokt.org\/index.php\/2024\/07\/17\/the-three-things-which-prevent-men-from-attracting-women\/","title":{"rendered":"The Three Things Which Prevent Men From Attracting Women"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Are women\u2019s standards too high these days? What is keeping guys from attracting women and keeping the relationships they want? How to turn your life around and stop worrying? Here is some advice from someone who has walked this path.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Honestly, I\u2019m a bit fed up with reading all this dating advice in which I see both men and women focus on things that honestly don\u2019t matter while completely ignoring the elephant in the room.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Three elephants, on my count.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We\u2019ll get to those, but first let\u2019s quickly review\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The things that don\u2019t matter (so much)<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

I can\u2019t believe so many guys are still stuck on thinking that the most important things they need is LMS \u2014 Looks, Money, Status. Do they help? Sure, obviously it\u2019s better to be a beautiful rich somebody than an ugly poor nobody. But is that what does the heavy lifting?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019ll give you a philosophical example.\u00a0Check\u00a0out this guy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"\/<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

This is\u00a0Jean Paul Sartre<\/a>, a 20th century existentialist philosopher. At five feet three, he was short, ugly, and had a wandering blind eye on top. He never had nor cared for money, and, well, he was a philosopher, it\u2019s not like that comes with huge power or status.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What he did have though, are dozens of lovers while at the same time being in a very long and happy open\u00a0relationship\u00a0with one of the most fascinating women of the time,\u00a0Simone de Beauvoir<\/a>. Great story.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

LMS doesn\u2019t matter much in attracting women if you\u2019ve got what does.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

On the other side,\u00a0if you listen to some women, you\u2019d end up believing that what will land you a relationship is emotional maturity, commitment to equality and sharing responsibilities, respect for women\u2019s independence, and probably deep knowledge of feminist theory on top.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Again, all great things to have, but they are not what will allow you to find <\/strong>a relationship \u2014 it\u2019s what will help you to keep <\/strong>it once you have it. None of this is about landing a first or second or tenth date. It\u2019s about lasting after the new relationship energy has worn out. And about being a good person.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

By all means, please do develop all of those excellent virtues. They are what will make you a great long-term partner.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But stop pretending that these are the main things that will attract women you start chatting with at a party or in a bar. Especially young women. You won\u2019t get far with them by taking advice from\u00a0middle-aged single moms jaded with past relationship failures \u2014 which were never their fault, obviously.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And sure, there are some defeating conditions which will mean that even if you do end up dating a girl, it will end pretty quickly. If you\u2019re abusive, misogynist, or controlling, she\u2019ll realise that pretty quickly and not want to be with you. If you\u2019re unattractive and poor because you live like a slob and can\u2019t be bothered finding a job, you won\u2019t last long either.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But all that is still missing the three elephants in the room.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I see time and again how these three character traits prevent guys from getting anywhere in dating. They are what really matters in this whole shebang.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sorry to say that, guys, but all the money, looks and status you can get, all the niceness and commitment to equality you can develop, matter squat, because you are\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Desperate, boring and selfish<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Yeah, you heard me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When I read some online forums where guys complain about their dating woes and fails at attracting women, I don\u2019t understand how any of them can consider themselves having even the slightest of chances. They reek of desperation, have nothing interesting about them, and all they talk about is how it\u2019s oh so hard for them because they are all that matters in this world.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I stop myself from saying this to their faces as I don\u2019t think it helps, but I need to write about it here. I\u2019m just bitching, I know. Don\u2019t worry, I\u2019ll get to the solutions soon.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Oh STFU Simon, you privileged smartass<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Yeah, I know what you\u2019re thinking.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Why should I listen to you? You were lucky enough to have middle-class parents who gave you a decent upbringing and a general feeling of security, inspired you to pursue hobbies, achieve things and give back. You might not be a 10 but you\u2019re reasonably good looking, you\u2019re healthy, have some money and status. And most of all, you\u2019ve been in relationships pretty much continuously for the last 20 years, and with the whole poly thing you simultaneously had three girlfriends and who knows how many lovers!<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Well, this is exactly why many of you should be listening to me. Because as far as I can tell, there are many men who had the same or better start than me, yet struggle with attracting women.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I recognise that this plays out differently for people with disabilities or chronic diseases<\/a>, low socio-economic status<\/a>, or minority ethnic backgrounds<\/a>. If that\u2019s you, please feel free to ignore me or write a reply on how I\u2019m completely missing the point.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But if you\u2019re a reasonably healthy white guy in the Global North, enjoyed some middle-class privilege as a kid and earn around the national average (because trust me, philosophers aren\u2019t rich), then you are exactly the sort of person who should listen to me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Because I\u2019m guessing that if you\u2019re reading this, we\u2019ve had a similar start but we\u2019re not in the same place now. I spent years building my confidence and relationship skills. I only properly started at 25, and I had many hiccups on the way. I have definitely had times when I\u2019ve been desperate and selfish and I know exactly what a downward spiral this put me on. It has not been an easy ride but it has taught me a lot and I think you can benefit from what I\u2019ve learned.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So strap on, survive a few paragraphs of stern talking to, and I\u2019ll soon give you some tools that will get you closer to where I am now.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Desperate<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Some guys got it in their head that attracting women is the most important thing in the world and if they don\u2019t have a girlfriend, they\u2019re a life failure. They judge themselves and others by this measure, only making it so much more important.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

They feel so insecure on their own, as if they didn\u2019t consider themselves a whole human until they pair up. It\u2019s the constant \u2018if only I had a girlfriend my whole world would magically make sense!\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"
card from the game Munchkin<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

They\u2019ve got no boundaries, no self-respect, they\u2019d do anything to get female validation and worse \u2014 to get validation from all the guys who keep measuring their worth by their dating success. They\u2019ll play nice, but only for the sake of getting laid, then it doesn\u2019t matter.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And when they start talking to women, they\u2019re clinging to them like a damp rag, not letting them breathe, as if detaching for a second was just more failure.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It reeks!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Only those floating in the constant stench of desperation can\u2019t smell it. Women will sniff it out a mile away and never get any closer. Why would they ever want someone who would demean himself so, pretend and cheat his way in, who is so dependent on others\u2019 validation and doesn\u2019t have enough self-worth to stand on his own feet without a crutch of a girlfriend? Why would they want to be his crutch?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Boring<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Most of those guys have little to no imagination on how to improve their condition. They just repeat what others told them without a moment of independent thought.\u00a0They have no concept of what would help them stand out from the crowd. They never push themselves to go further and they refuse to improve because it\u2019s \u2018too much work\u2019 and \u2018the standards are impossible\u2019.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Honestly, there are men I start talking to and want to stab forks into my eyes five minutes in, just to get out of how dull the conversation is. (Yeah, women as well, I know \u2014 different topic).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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