{"id":782,"date":"2024-07-09T10:39:34","date_gmt":"2024-07-09T10:39:34","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/simonfokt.org\/?p=782"},"modified":"2024-07-22T19:52:43","modified_gmt":"2024-07-22T19:52:43","slug":"the-right-way-to-think-about-body-counts-is-about-courage","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/simonfokt.org\/index.php\/2024\/07\/09\/the-right-way-to-think-about-body-counts-is-about-courage\/","title":{"rendered":"The Right Way To Think About \u2018Body Counts\u2019 Is About Courage"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

I wrote a text about this before<\/a>. I still hate the phrase ‘body counts’ but I saw the replies and they made me think that I should approach the subject differently \u2014 with more understanding and guidance. Let\u2019s talk about solutions and being better men. Let\u2019s talk about courage. Let\u2019s talk about what\u2019s right for you.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Many guys are pretty critical of women who have had many lovers. And many others are pretty critical of them. It all tends to descend into the usual hate game that has no solution and leaves everybody worse off.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I am not here to call men who have a preference for chastity insecure, fragile or toxic. Neither will I talk about how this affects women. If that\u2019s what you\u2019re after, you can easily find lots of content which takes that line.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I am here to say that the real reason behind this \u2018preference\u2019 is a worry that\u2019s just as valid as any other emotion. Many guys keep it hidden and suffer in silence. But as with any emotion, we need to take charge of it and make it work for, not against us.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I know what it feels like but I have conquered this fear and today I will show you how you can it, too. It hides behind a veneer of \u2018rationality,\u2019 so I will start by stripping it away with logical arguments. This will feel like some tough love for a moment, but by the end you will see the truth underneath and know what to do.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Disclaimer<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Before I dive in, full disclosure. Until I was 25, I only had two lovers and was pretty shy. Then, I did some serious work on myself.\u00a0My partner and I worked on our relationship and decided to open up.\u00a0Now, I am part of a very open community in the most open city in Europe. I have slept with a lot of people and been in long-term non-monogamous relationships for over a decade.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If any of this makes you want to disagree without reading, your choice. But my arguments are just as good, whoever I am. Some principles stay the same. They certainly allowed me to have great relationships and intimate life, and they apply to people who want a traditional family just as much.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But research shows that many young men actually want non-monogamy and the kind of life I live, so maybe you\u2019re on board already.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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YouGov 2023, How many Americans prefer non-monogamy in relationships?<\/a><\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Regardless, this is a pretty heavy topic so if you\u2019re still reading, make sure you\u2019re ready to keep your mind open.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Yes, men can have preferences on ‘body counts’<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

First, I want to recognise that there are perfectly legitimate reasons to have a personal preference for dating people who haven\u2019t had too many lovers. It might be what your religion requires. Even if you\u2019re not religious, you might think that intimacy is sacred and would find it hard to be with a person for whom it is not. Or you might not be a very sensual person and worry that being with someone who is would make both of you unhappy. Or dozens of other reasons.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

That\u2019s perfectly fine. It\u2019s hard to be with someone who\u2019s life priorities and values are incompatible with yours in any area. Say, she is a big family person but you hate family events. Or she\u2019s very spiritual but you think it\u2019s all mumbo-jumbo. Or she wants pets, kids and a house in the suburbs, and you want to travel, party and not be tied down. It\u2019s OK to prefer to be with somebody whose goals and values are more aligned with yours.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If that\u2019s all there is to it, you can simply have an honest conversation about it and calmly decide how to move forward. You might say something like:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Hey, this is a bit of a hard topic, are you OK to talk? You see, intimacy is a sacred thing to me, I\u2019m kind of saving it for those who really matter. I know other people have a more casual approach and I\u2019m not judging, everyone can live their life however they want, but it\u2019s just not what I\u2019m looking for in a relationship. What\u2019s your thoughts on that?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ah.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Well, it\u2019s better to know now than later, once we\u2019ve become more invested. Thank you for sharing and for wanting to be with me, but I think that we might not be best for each other. Perhaps we can just be friends.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

That is how a mature, confident man approaches the topic. He\u2019s in charge of his emotions, he is smart enough to bring this up before things get complicated, he makes a rational judgment, and he is respectful throughout.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He doesn\u2019t get angry. He doesn\u2019t call her names. He doesn\u2019t tell everyone how loose she is. He doesn\u2019t go online to rave how all women are horrible. He doesn\u2019t start a podcast to prove to women how they will all die sad and alone because no guys will have them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

My text is not about this guy. He\u2019s got it sorted.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

My text is about all the men who do get angry, who do call names, and who get into endless discussions trying to rationally prove the superiority of their preference.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Because I don\u2019t think they\u2019d be so intense about it if it was all just rational arguments and preferences. If it were, they\u2019d just do what the mature, confident man would do. No. This is about something deeper.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Something that controls them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The argument<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

The argument that usually gets brought up is made to sound rational and benevolent.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Dear women. You shouldn\u2019t sleep around because one day you will want a husband but won\u2019t find one because men might sleep with you but they sure won\u2019t marry you.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Honestly, it\u2019s touching how selfless and kind this message is.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Let\u2019s pick it apart.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

#NotAllMen, #NotAllWomen<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Only 87% of women are completely straight<\/a>. Of the remaining straight women, 24% say they prefer being single<\/a> but let\u2019s say only a third of them really do. Thus, about 20% can simply not care what men want.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Most men might expect some level of chastity, but not all. Those in non-monogamous circles certainly don\u2019t and and trust me, there are many of us (12% in the US<\/a>). I\u2019d wager at least 10% of monogamous men also don\u2019t care (at least in the Global North). Thus, another 20% of women will find a partner without much trouble.\u00a0More, as polyamorous men are perfectly happy to date more than one woman.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Finally, a large portion of the remaining men will cave in in the end. After all, men hate being lonely more than women<\/a>. I\u2019d wager more than half might not like it but they\u2019ll do it. Thus, another 30% of women will eventually find a partner anyway.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

That means that most women have no actual reason to worry about ending up alone. Thus, if we\u2019re honest, the argument should say:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Dear <\/em>straight <\/em><\/strong>women: you shouldn\u2019t sleep around because one day <\/em>many <\/em><\/strong>of you will want a husband, <\/em>many <\/em><\/strong>won\u2019t match with men who don\u2019t mind your past, and <\/em>some <\/em><\/strong>of the other men will actually stay true to their resolve not to marry you.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

At this point, you can see how women might just say: thanks for the warning, we\u2019ll take our chances<\/em>. Particularly if they\u2019re smart, fun and hot, and thus might have the first pick of the men who don\u2019t mind.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But there are reasons!<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Wait, this isn\u2019t about some stats! It\u2019s about what\u2019s right and wrong. There are rational reasons which show that having fewer lovers is better.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And you know what? I\u2019m ready to concede that indeed, there are some such reasons. I just don\u2019t think they\u2019re particularly strong. Let\u2019s look at some:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Biology<\/h4>\n\n\n\n

Men have an evolutionary interest in ensuring paternity and thus want to prevent women they have kids with from sleeping with other men.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

This is a surprisingly weak argument. It doesn\u2019t apply if you don\u2019t want kids. It doesn\u2019t apply to past lovers \u2014 we can all count months. It also doesn\u2019t apply to present ones \u2014 we have contraception and paternity tests.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You can argue that none of this negates how men evolved to think. But the history of humanity is a history of using our brains to transcend nature: we didn\u2019t evolve to work at a computer, travel to space, or eat refined sugar. We can cope with all that, so why not with sleeping around? Besides, there is good evidence<\/a> that humans, like most great apes, evolved to be polygamous, and monogamy is a cultural, not natural invention. Either way, the solution is to rise above our natural or culturally ingrained instincts and ensure paternity using our brains and technology.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

STIs<\/h4>\n\n\n\n

Women who sleep around have a higher chance of contracting diseases and I don\u2019t want to get them.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

To be fair, if people who did in fact contract an incurable STI can\u2019t find a partner because of that, it\u2019s tragic. But the risk that you will get it from a woman you want a relationship with, is miniscule if you take simple precautions: ask her to get tested and use condoms until you know the result. And even then, most diseases are curable. It\u2019s not hard. And sure, even then there is still some tiny chance you\u2019ll get something. But there\u2019s a tiny chance you\u2019ll die every time you sit in a car, yet we all take this and other reasonable risks every day without making a fuss about it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

She\u2019s Got Issues<\/h4>\n\n\n\n

Women who sleep around are likely to have drug problems, traumatic childhood, have been abused, etc. This makes them difficult partners.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Statistically, this effect exists. But the problem here is not sleeping around \u2014 it\u2019s all those other things. Neither does sleeping around cause such issues \u2014 typically, the causes are deep in the woman\u2019s childhood and are not her fault. The solution is not to police her intimate life \u2014 it\u2019s to help her resolve those issues. Naturally, that\u2019s a big commitment and any guy is well within his right to say he\u2019s not able or willing to do so. But if that\u2019s the case, he\u2019s not who she needs anyway, so why would she care what he thinks about her intimate life?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Instability<\/h4>\n\n\n\n

Relationships where partners had more lovers are more likely to break up, so they\u2019re just bad investments.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Statistically, that\u2019s true. But why? Most women don\u2019t leave on a whim but because something is making them unhappy. If they\u2019re experienced, they are more likely to know that it doesn\u2019t have to be like this, and leave. But the way to solve this should surely be to address the thing that makes her unhappy, not to only go out with women who will agree to being unhappy because they don\u2019t know they don\u2019t have to be. And in those rare cases where women do leave on a whim\u200a\u2014\u200agood riddance! Sounds like someone you wouldn\u2019t want to be with anyway.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A cart before the horse<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Like I said, it\u2019s not that none of those reasons matter. And perhaps I\u2019m missing some details. But they just aren\u2019t that strong. They all have better solutions than requiring abstinence. If we want to approach them rationally, we should rather be focusing on perfecting those solutions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Which brings me to my main point. I don\u2019t think that any of those rational reasons are what is really doing the work here.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s not: \u2018I heard those rational reasons, they informed my judgment, and now I think sleeping around is wrong.\u2019<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s the other way around: \u2018I don\u2019t like it, so let\u2019s find reasons why it\u2019s wrong.\u2019<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Deeper than reason<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

People generally don\u2019t get so passionate about rational arguments or argue so intensely purely out of concern that others might end up alone. No, such a strong reaction indicates that at the bottom of it is something much more primal than reason: emotions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

There is nothing weird or bad about it. It\u2019s just human. We have all evolved to have emotions and we are all massively affected by them. We all have the tendency to just not like something, to have an emotional reaction, and then find ourselves reasons to justify it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I know I\u2019ve done it a million times, so I\u2019m certainly not going to throw stones at anyone here. And I dare anyone who would \u2014 are you truly without sin?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Guys might say they\u2019re oh-so-stoic and don\u2019t care about emotions, but this whole affair is prime evidence that it\u2019s just not true.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Because how does hearing about a woman\u2019s adventurous past make many men feel? I think it is summed up in this gif:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"\/<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Men who shun experienced women worry that they will not be special. That someone might have been a better lover than them. That they will be not enough. That the woman will realise that and leave them for somebody better.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Behind the veneer of rational arguments is fear, plain and simple.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And there is no stronger motivator than fear.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Men\u2019s emotions are valid<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

What you are probably expecting now, is another woke person to come and laugh at you. Oh no, poor fragile insecure man! Maybe if you were a better lover, she wouldn\u2019t have left you!<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Such a lazy reply says something about the speaker. It says they are more interested in feeling smug and powerful than addressing the problem. What happened to \u2018your emotions are valid?\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I think that it is perfectly understandable for men to have this fear. The society puts massive pressure on us to find and keep partners. We\u2019ve been taught to tie our self-worth with having a family we can protect and provide for. If I can\u2019t find, keep, and satisfy a partner, I\u2019m less of a man. Guys will laugh. People will talk. I\u2019ll feel like a failure.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

No wonder guys feel worried! But then comes the next layer \u2014 admitting to being afraid is the same as admitting weakness and male gender norms say that men can\u2019t be weak.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s a catch-22! To get rid of the fear that I\u2019m less of a man I\u2019d need to admit to having it, but admitting to having it also makes me less of a man!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So we rationalise our fear and hide it behind a veneer of \u2018rational arguments.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But that\u2019s just sweeping the problem under the carpet. It\u2019s no real solution. The real solution is to check out of the pressures society puts on us.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Those pressures exist because we hold on to old values and life scripts developed in a different time. Today, people don\u2019t want to settle young \u2014 we want to learn, develop careers, enjoy life. Many of us don\u2019t want kids, we\u2019ve got technology, contraception and medicine, and being single just isn\u2019t as hard as it used to. And today, we know what horrible toll hiding emotions has on our mental health and people are increasingly accepting of men expressing themselves.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Solution<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

But it\u2019s not easy to check out of those pressures. We grew up with and internalised them. Whatever we do, they still keep playing in the back of our minds. D.B. Sayers,<\/a> captured it perfectly in this comment<\/a>:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We are stubbornly clinging to \u201cour rock,\u201d while someone on shore is shouting, \u201cdrop the rock, you\u2019ll swim better.\u201d To which, unfortunately, too many of us shout back, \u201cbut it\u2019s my rock.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

This is the first part of the solution:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

1. Drop the rock<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

We should change the scripts we live by to match the changing reality \u2014 Have the courage to break out of the old pressures and show the middle finger to anyone who expects you to play by outdated rules or shame you for having emotions. Strength is not falling in line with what they want from you. Strength is doing the right thing whatever they say.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This is the kind of thinking that helped me do it. It\u2019s not about doing what women want me to do \u2014 it\u2019s about realising that I\u2019m playing a role in a system that\u2019s designed to keep me down and playing Rage Against The Machine on repeat in my mind:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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