Romance is dead. Flirting and chatting people up on the street is just creepy. You can\u2019t even open your mouth next to a woman these days, because everything you say is sexual harassment.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n I hear guys say those things all the time, especially since the #MeToo movement. But there is really no reason to be afraid or confused!<\/p>\n\n\n\n How do I know?<\/p>\n\n\n\n I\u2019ve been walking around complimenting women (and men) I\u2019ve never met before for years and never have been accused of catcalling or met with anything but joy. I\u2019ve been told I made people\u2019s days multiple times. Just last week, my partner and I had a nice conversation with a woman we complimented in a sauna, even though we wore nothing but our towels.<\/p>\n\n\n\n So listen up, here\u2019s how you do it:<\/p>\n\n\n\n We can all tell when people say nice things to us only because they want something. If your compliment is actually an attempt to strike a conversation you hope might end in bed, it\u2019s not a compliment. It\u2019s an attempt at manipulation. Women can smell this a mile away.<\/p>\n\n\n\n You should always give compliments simply because it\u2019s nice to tell people nice things. You should always be prepared to say it and just keep going your own way, expecting nothing else from the interaction. If anything does follow from it, this is purely a nice side effect that you should never expect from the start.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Disinterested compliments make people feel good. Compliments that have an ulterior motive don\u2019t. They just make people worry what will come after.<\/p>\n\n\n\n This is the most important thing: the aim of your compliment should always be to do something nice for another person, nothing more, nothing less. Now, assuming you\u2019re on board with this, here is how to give compliments that will actually make people feel good.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Remember the woman in the sauna I mentioned? Don\u2019t worry, we were complimenting her gorgeous robe.<\/p>\n\n\n\n It will always seem creepy if you tell a girl you don\u2019t know that she\u2019s got great legs, boobs, or ass. Even if you say she\u2019s got a great smile or beautiful hair, it\u2019s still quite a cringe.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Why?<\/p>\n\n\n\n First of all, it\u2019s objectifying. In our culture, such compliments imply that you are reducing her to a body part that you have an interest in. Nobody likes that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n It\u2019s also simply too close to the body. You haven\u2019t even met yet and you\u2019re already reaching deep into her private space. It\u2019s just too much, too quick.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Instead, a good compliment should focus on what she puts on her body. Say that she looks great in the dress she\u2019s wearing. Say that this top looks amazing on her. This way, you respect the barrier she put between her body and the world, and show appreciation for her as a person, not a body part.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Complimenting the clothes has one further advantage: you are recognising her actions, her taste, and her choices. You treat her as a person who has made the decision to wear them, presumably also thinking she will look good in them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n This just doesn\u2019t work with body-focused compliments\u200a\u2014\u200awe don\u2019t choose the way our bodies look to the same extent.<\/p>\n\n\n\n But this extends beyond clothing. Perhaps you spotted her during a game and want to compliment her tactics? Or she was dancing and her moves were fantastic?<\/p>\n\n\n\n In all of those cases, you recognise her as the active agent of the interaction: you are merely appreciating the way she decided to present herself, hold herself, and express herself. She\u2019s not just an object of your appreciation, she\u2019s a subject who does things worth appreciating.<\/p>\n\n\n\n This one should go without saying. A compliment is soft and kind, uses no crude words, and introduces itself in a positive manner.<\/p>\n\n\n\n If you shout \u2018Hey babe, hot ass!\u2019 on a street, it\u2019s a catcall. She\u2019s not your babe, her ass is none of your business, and she\u2019s got better things to do than to listen to your pathetic attempts at courtship.<\/p>\n\n\n\n If you calmly approach and say in an upbeat voice: \u2018Hi, don\u2019t mean to stop you, but this dress just looks amazing on you,\u2019 it\u2019s a compliment. You use no threatening language or movements, you acknowledge she\u2019s probably got better things to do, and you use kind and positive words.<\/p>\n\n\n\n You probably know by now that you shouldn\u2019t talk too much about yourself during a date, but how does this extend to complimenting?<\/p>\n\n\n\n We signal something subtly different when we say: \u2018I love your dress\u2019, or: \u2018This dress looks great on you\u2019.<\/p>\n\n\n\n This little linguistic change signals that this interaction isn\u2019t about you, it\u2019s about her. You\u2019re not starting it because you want something\u200a\u2014\u200aher attention, her response, maybe her sexual availability. You\u2019re starting it because you want to make her feel good. You\u2019re doing it for her, without any ulterior motive.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Fair enough, sometimes you will hope that a compliment might turn into a conversation. But for heavens sake, don\u2019t press for it!<\/p>\n\n\n\n For example, say you complimented her dress and it made her smile. If she doesn\u2019t immediately pick it up, just smile back, say bye, and keep walking. You\u2019ve just made her day better, great job!<\/p>\n\n\n\n Don\u2019t ask what she\u2019s up to tonight, don\u2019t even follow up with a question, like: \u2018where did you buy it?\u2019 If she wants to talk to you, she\u2019ll tell you anyway. But if she doesn\u2019t, she\u2019ll just feel pressured and uncomfortable. You don\u2019t have the right to take up her time, so unless she gives it to you herself, you just walk on.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Think of it this way\u200a\u2014\u200ayou passed the ball to her with the compliment. It\u2019s her decision now whether to pass it back. By letting her decide, you acknowledge her autonomy and treat her with respect.<\/p>\n\n\n\n If she does pass it back, great. If not, that\u2019s also great. You made her smile and you\u2019re probably smiling, too. Congrats, you made both of your days better.<\/p>\n\n\n\n We all sometimes just want to be left alone. You might be the greatest guy in the world, be kind, non-threatening and have your complimenting technique down to perfection, but it\u2019s all irrelevant if she just had a bad day and can only think about getting back in bed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n It doesn\u2019t matter, it\u2019s not about you\u200a\u2014\u200ashe\u2019s just not in the mood and even if you think you might have some chance of piercing her gloomy mood with your compliments, the truth is, 99% of the time you\u2019re going to fail, spectacularly. It\u2019s not worth it. This is a job for her friends, not a random stranger.<\/p>\n\n\n\n There are some clear indicators that she doesn\u2019t want to be approached. If she\u2019s listening to music on her headphones, don\u2019t talk to her. If she\u2019s reading a book on the metro, don\u2019t interrupt her. If she\u2019s wearing baggy, indistinct clothes that hide her head to toes, don\u2019t try to compliment her dress.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Just leave her alone and move on with your day.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Everything has its place and time, and a compliment that might make one person smile might annoy another. The general rules above are a good start, but you still need to use your best judgment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Are you complimenting a random person on the street, or are you at a party thrown by a mutual friend? Are you dancing at an awkward disco during a company integration camp, or are you on a weekend crawl through the sexiest clubs of Berlin? Is she an outgoing extrovert, or an introvert who finds human interactions stressful?<\/p>\n\n\n\n As with many things in life, complimenting is a skill: the more you do it, the better you get at it. I\u2019ve given you something to get you started, now go on and become a master.<\/p>\n\n\n\n PS. Please compliment men, too! Men get way too few compliments in our culture and there is no reason why you shouldn\u2019t appreciate a guy who looks great or did something great. It might be a bit awkward since we just aren\u2019t used to it, but trust me, it\u2019s really nice!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" This International Women\u2019s\u00a0Day: A short guide for guys who are confused and don\u2019t want to do anything\u00a0creepy. Romance is dead. Flirting and chatting people up on the street is just creepy. You can\u2019t even open your mouth next to a woman these days, because everything you say is sexual harassment. I hear guys say those […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":620,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[9],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-283","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-love-sex-and-dating"],"yoast_head":"\nReal compliments are disinterested<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Compliment her clothes, not her body<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Compliment her actions, not her self<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Be kind, calm, and positive<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Avoid talking about yourself<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Leave her the choice to follow up<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Don\u2019t do it when it\u2019s clearly not wanted<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Context is key<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
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