{"id":265,"date":"2023-07-04T17:18:54","date_gmt":"2023-07-04T17:18:54","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/simonfokt.org\/index.php\/2023\/07\/04\/the-five-stages-of-mens-grief\/"},"modified":"2024-05-15T10:34:07","modified_gmt":"2024-05-15T10:34:07","slug":"the-five-stages-of-mens-grief","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/simonfokt.org\/index.php\/2023\/07\/04\/the-five-stages-of-mens-grief\/","title":{"rendered":"The Five Stages of Men\u2019s Grief"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

The psychological model of the stages of grief is used to better understand how people experience loss or change and to explain their often difficult behaviour. I think we should apply it to how men experience and react to the modern changing world.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Some background<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Back in the 1960s, a Swiss-American psychiatrist Elisabeth K\u00fcbler-Ross<\/a> was researching the behaviour of terminally ill patients. She noted that their reactions to finding out about their illness, as well as their ways of coping with it, followed a common pattern.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In a book titled On Death and Dying<\/em><\/a>, she summarised it in a form of a 5-step model in which grief starts with denial, transforms into anger and then bargaining, turns into depression, and finally ends in acceptance.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In later work, together with David Kessler, K\u00fcbler-Ross expanded the model to include any other personal loss or traumatic event.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But, to be honest, the model isn\u2019t very scientific<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

There appears to be no evidence [\u2026] that most people most of the time go through most of the stages in this or any other order\u00a0(Shermer\u00a02008<\/a>).<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Moreover, the stage boundaries are blurry<\/a>, and all of it massively depends on our personal psychology<\/a> and cultural background<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

However, the model can still be pretty useful\u200a\u2014\u200aonce we accept its limitations and treat it more as a rough conceptual guideline than a prescription of how grief must look like.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

That\u2019s likely why it became very popular and you\u2019ll now find its various expansions involving seven or more stages, as well as a whole load of practical applications.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And I am about to offer another one.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Guys, I\u2019m sorry, this is going to be some tough love.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Loss<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Men have much to grieve today because we have lost a lot.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We were valued as defenders and providers. We had the respect as heads of households. We used to have higher social status than women. We used to have the education and rights they didn\u2019t have. We could have sex with our wives whenever we wanted. We had a clear script we could follow to succeed as men. And so much more.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We were promised all of that in the books we read, the films we watched, in our churches, by our families\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But the world has changed: women can defend and provide for themselves now, have the same status, rights and education, and easy sex and life script are all but gone.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And sure, we shouldn\u2019t have had most of those things in the first place and some were outright immoral. But like it or not, this is still a loss.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

My fellow millennials know what I\u2019m talking about. We were promised a world of perpetual growth with no care about the environment or colonialism, in which we can achieve anything and a good education leads to a good job.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Now, the world has changed and we are bitter about it as hell. It doesn\u2019t matter that our expectations were inflated, it was all based on exploitation and we probably never deserved any of that anyway. It feels horrible all the same.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But history does not go backwards. You can stand here demanding instant climate change reversal, higher social status, and a state-mandated wife on top, but it just won\u2019t happen. You\u2019ll only be stuck in your grief. You need to move on and work with what you\u2019ve got.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Five Stages<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

It would be na\u00efve to say that K\u00fcbler-Ross\u2019 model applies directly to all men. But applying it loosely, mindful of its limitations, can help us see how many men are in fact stuck in its five stages, and help them move on.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Denial<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

A common first reaction to loss is pretending it didn\u2019t happen. The diagnosis must be mistaken. She couldn\u2019t have left me. What do you mean it\u2019s gone?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

The men who demand their traditional manly jobs back are here. They can\u2019t accept that what they used to do and be valued for is now better done by a machine.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Likewise, guys are still trying their hardest to become the best providers and defenders, even though women can provide for themselves quite well and Vikings rarely raid our villages these days.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Many Passport Bros and MGTOWs are stuck here\u200a\u2014\u200athey try to go their own way because they refuse to accept the way the world is going. Those, who continue to treat women as lesser beings and are shocked when called out on it, too.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

These guys can spend years claiming they\u2019re right and everyone else is wrong, but the truth is that history is slowly leaving them behind. They are like old calligraphers who perfect their skills and insist we need them\u200a\u2014\u200aand we just nod and go back to writing on our smartphones.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Or like this guy:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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