{"id":260,"date":"2023-07-18T15:30:16","date_gmt":"2023-07-18T15:30:16","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/simonfokt.org\/index.php\/2023\/07\/18\/defuse-pointless-gender-arguments-with-the-power-of-psychology\/"},"modified":"2024-05-15T10:17:14","modified_gmt":"2024-05-15T10:17:14","slug":"defuse-pointless-gender-arguments-with-the-power-of-psychology","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/simonfokt.org\/index.php\/2023\/07\/18\/defuse-pointless-gender-arguments-with-the-power-of-psychology\/","title":{"rendered":"Defuse Pointless Gender Arguments with the Power of Psychology"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p><strong>You know how when somebody else is late, they\u2019re a horrible person, but when you\u2019re late, there\u2019s always a good reason for it? The psychological mechanism behind that attitude is at the roots of many disagreements about gender. Fortunately, there are ways you can avoid it.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity is-style-dots\"\/>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Late, but&nbsp;useful<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>I always find it endearing when psychologists make a great discovery and describe a completely novel psychological mechanism which we, philosophers, have been talking about for centuries.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>The Fundamental Attribution Error (FAE) has been described by <a href=\"https:\/\/www.sciencedirect.com\/science\/article\/abs\/pii\/0022103167900340?via%3Dihub\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Edward E. Jones and Victor Harris in 1967<\/a>. Its simple: when we explain why other people do what they do\u200a\u2014\u200aespecially when we don\u2019t like it\u200a\u2014\u200awe tend to attribute their actions to personality traits and downplay the role of external circumstances. But when we explain our own actions, it\u2019s the other way around.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>A classic example: if you are late for a meeting with me, it\u2019s because you are an unreliable person who doesn\u2019t respect my time. It\u2019s all about your character. But if I\u2019m late for a meeting with you, it\u2019s because I\u2019ve been stuck in traffic, was held up somewhere, had to finish that thing. It\u2019s all about external circumstances.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Naturally, when it\u2019s about something good, the roles often reverse. If we get the prize, it\u2019s because we\u2019re awesome. If they get it, it\u2019s because they got lucky and probably paid off the judge.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>In 1967, Jones and Harris were only some 25 centuries late to catch up with Confucius who urged people to understand others\u2019 motivations, intentions, and the context of their actions. And 23 centuries late for Aristotle who encouraged considering people\u2019s perspectives and the context when interpreting their intentions and attributing virtue.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>You\u2019ll find the same themes appearing in the thought of Mencius, John Locke, Nagarjuna, Al-Farabi, in Jainism, Sufism, Existentialism, Ubuntu Philosophy&#8230; And don\u2019t forget the guy who said: <em>Why do you see the speck that is in your brother\u2019s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?<\/em>, and <em>Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Anyway, you get the point. Humans have long been known to be much harsher when judging others than when judging themselves. The FAE captures one of the ways in which this happens: we tend to see anything we do wrong as caused and excused by the circumstances, but all that other people do wrong as caused by their sick, evil nature.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Gendering the&nbsp;Error<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>First, a quick note. None of what I write is meant to invalidate the fact that men and women do utterly horrible things to each other. I realise that having some understanding for the context of abuse is a lot to ask of its victims. I also know that the majority of violence is committed by men and I certainly do not want to excuse any of that with circumstances.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>But let\u2019s leave the really horrible stuff aside and focus on all the everyday things we annoy each other with. It\u2019s not hard to see how the FAE plays out in all those little battles of the pointless gender war we continue to fight.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\">How we describe each&nbsp;other<\/h4>\n\n\n\n<p>Search for any clickbait article on <em>Ten Things Wo\/Men Do Wrong in Dating<\/em>, written by the member of the opposite gender, and you\u2019ll find that nine of those are just things <em>people <\/em>do. Ignoring messages. Being clingy. Making assumptions. Being crap in bed. Taking no responsibility. Only talking about themselves. Disappearing after the first date.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Most such articles should be retitled: <em>Ten Things Which Are Fine When I Do Them But An Absolute Travesty When They Do.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Search for anything on ghosting and you\u2019ll find that if <em>they <\/em>do it, it\u2019s because they are complete douchebags who have no ounce of respect and consideration left in them. But when <em>we <\/em>do it, you need to take into account the context: the date was hopeless, they bored us to death, we can\u2019t risk getting stuck in pointless discussions, and so on.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\">How we see each&nbsp;other<\/h4>\n\n\n\n<p>When you ask women why they don\u2019t want to date men, it\u2019s because all those entitled assholes only want sex, have no emotional intelligence, are exploitative, sexist, undereducated, insensitive, have nothing to offer at all, and besides, #MenAreTrash.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Men who reflect on those things might point out that they grew up in a culture which <a href=\"https:\/\/medium.com\/mans-compass\/men-are-changing-please-be-kind-d923c239c3a9\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">ingrained sexist attitudes<\/a> in them through stories, religions and countless social interactions, were <a href=\"https:\/\/aninjusticemag.com\/are-men-emotionally-immature-56ffa3418c08\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">taught to supress emotions<\/a> and <a href=\"https:\/\/medium.com\/mans-compass\/do-guys-want-sex-or-what-7cdefd8444bb\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">only receive validation through sex<\/a>, continue to receive powerful incentives to maintain a strong fa\u00e7ade, hide vulnerabilities, and conform to traditional gender norms, and that gaining social status still requires performing masculinity.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Meanwhile, when you ask men why they don\u2019t want to date women, they\u2019ll tell you it\u2019s because those entitled man-bashing bitches are all frigid gold diggers with inflated egos and expectations, have no care and empathy left in them, and bring nothing to the table.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Women who reflect on those might point out that they are tired and angry with the continuing discrimination they experience, have been socially conditioned to find sex difficult and often scary, to see men as potential danger, to carefully asses if a date is worth the risk, and have only recently reclaimed their right to feel equally valued as humans and to state their boundaries and expectations.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\">How we talk to each&nbsp;other<\/h4>\n\n\n\n<p>Finally, if people say something that annoys us in a discussion, it\u2019s because they are hateful, ignorant, entitled, set on upholding the patriarchy or forcing men to become women, and their mother didn\u2019t love them (I actually got this one).<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>But when we say something that others find offensive, it\u2019s because we\u2019ve been pushed too hard, because this thing triggered us, because of years of sexism, loneliness, objectification and rejection, and there\u2019s probably some trauma and an Evil Ex story on top.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Oh, and did I mention that when we consider ourselves as groups, the underlying assumption is usually that <strong>they <\/strong>are mostly horrible with maybe some good apples in the mix, but <strong>we <\/strong>are mostly wonderful with maybe some bad apples? It\u2019s funny, because it works whichever side you\u2019re on.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Down the spiral of&nbsp;hate<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>When people start heated discussions, this is how it usually goes:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ol class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li>Person A is annoyed with something B said and attributes this to a fundamental character flaw of B.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>B is offended, because they feel that even if they\u2019ve done something wrong, it\u2019s actually explained by the circumstances.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>B attributes A\u2019s accusation to a fundamental character flaw of A.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>A is offended, because they feel that even if they were a bit harsh in their criticism, it\u2019s explained by the circumstances.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Rinse and repeat.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n\n\n\n<p>I bet that you have seen hundreds such discussions. People get stuck in them and they never end well. All they produce is more resentment, blame and hopelessness. Nobody is ever convinced. Everybody leaves thinking they\u2019ve been harmed and the other side is vile, stupid and evil.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>But it gets worse: the error plays out not only on the level of a single discussion, but between discussions, too. As people get into each next spat, they see what happened last time as a circumstance which excuses them for, once again, committing the Fundamental Attribution Error.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Or, in other words: <em>I might be assuming you\u2019re an asshole before I even heard what you have to say, but it\u2019s because I had hundreds such discussions and in each one a person like you was a complete asshole. Hi.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Argument defusal\u00a0toolkit<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>We all get into stupid discussions where we talk past each other. If we took all the energy we spend on fighting over misunderstandings and used it towards actually solving our problems, well, we\u2019d be that much closer to solving our problems, right?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>You now have a new tool in your argument defusal toolkit. When you see a heated disagreement, check if the people involved don\u2019t attribute all that annoys them in the other person to their fundamental character flaws without giving enough consideration to context and circumstances.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>If yes, try to make them aware of what they are doing. Do what Confucius, Aristotle and Jesus all recommended: draw people\u2019s attention to the context and circumstances which motivated the other person to say what they said. Suggest that if they themselves have done the very same thing (and they probably have!), they\u2019d probably not see it as a proof of their own fundamental character flaw.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Today, much of this advice has been shared under the banner of <a href=\"https:\/\/growth.me\/books\/nonviolent-communication\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Non-Violent Communication<\/a>. It\u2019s all about moving away from statements which ascribe permanent character traits, e.g. <em>you are an asshole<\/em>, and towards focusing on specific actions and circumstances, e.g. <em>I feel hurt by something you\u2019ve done.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>These two messages invite completely different responses. Nobody thinks of themselves as a bad person, so accusing someone of being fundamentally bad leaves them no option but to defend.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>But telling someone they\u2019ve done a bad thing leaves open the possibility that they are fundamentally a good person who just made a mistake, likely guided by the circumstances. This person won\u2019t be so offended and won\u2019t need to defend at all cost. They can say: <em>Huh, I guess. But I\u2019m generally good, so I\u2019ll try better next time.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>And sure, many times they won\u2019t. Many times they\u2019ll be too stubborn to admit doing anything wrong. But sometimes they will. I say even a small improvement is better than no improvement at all.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Now, here comes the hard part. It\u2019s easy to spot cases of FAE when <em>other people <\/em>do it. It\u2019s much harder to spot them when <em>we <\/em>do it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Thus, we\u2019re back to our old friend Socrates, who said that you should try your best to <em>Know Thyself<\/em>. We all should reflect on what we are doing, ask ourselves the same questions and hold ourselves to the same standards that we\u2019re holding others to.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>You don\u2019t need to feel horrible for every situation in which you fell for the Fundamental Attribution Error. It\u2019s a basic psychological bias we all have and it is hard to avoid.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>But we should all do our best to become better humans, and that includes being a bit more sensitive to the context in which people say and do things.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>This way, maybe we can finally stop arguing and demonising each other, and start building a better world together.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>You know how when somebody else is late, they\u2019re a horrible person, but when you\u2019re late, there\u2019s always a good reason for it? The psychological mechanism behind that attitude is at the roots of many disagreements about gender. Fortunately, there are ways you can avoid it. Late, but&nbsp;useful I always find it endearing when psychologists [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":569,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[10,12],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-260","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-equality","category-virtue"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v27.4 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>Defusing Pointless Gender Arguments: The Power of Psychology<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Discover how psychology can help defuse pointless gender arguments. 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