As I put my double bass away, I scan the room for the girl, but she\u2019s with a couple of guys now, so I decide to leave it until later. I talk with a few people who are as into weird music as I am, hear some nice things about my performance, top up my drink\u2026 I keep looking for an opportunity to catch her again, but by now she\u2019s surrounded by a ring of salivating men. There are a few more acts, she\u2019s in one of them and I even speak to her again for a second, but soon get cut off as some guy who is clearly more desperate than me tries to get her attention. And then it strikes me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Why don\u2019t I have a ring of women fighting for my attention?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I mean, this girl is great, so it\u2019s really no wonder that the air around her is alight with the raging flames of male desire, with guys tripping over one another to be in her presence. It is pretty obvious that any one of them would give his left arm to spend a night with her.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
And sure, I got some compliments and a few sweet long looks. But am I not the sex god of this party? Where is the raging bonfire of female desire around me? Why are no women tripping over one another here? Would anyone give at least a finger to spend a night with me?!<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Yeah, sure, I think some women here probably fancy me and might want me to chat them up. It\u2019s not quite clear, maybe they just liked the music\u2026 The hot girl doesn\u2019t need to guess much though, does she? She\u2019s basking in the open flames, whilst I need to look for hidden candles. Desire comes to her; I need to search for it, ask for it, work for it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Oh, what I would give to be that girl!<\/p>\n\n\n\n I sometimes wonder what catcallers actually think when they are confronted about their shitty behaviour and offer this bewildered reply: \u2018Can\u2019t you just take a compliment?\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n Do they actually think that the unwanted sexual attention they offer is a compliment? Are they just grasping for a legitimate excuse for their entitled sexism? Do they even understand that what they do is not OK?<\/p>\n\n\n\n It feels really uncomfortable to admit, but at some level I weirdly kind of get them. Because let\u2019s be honest, those guys probably never received any sexual attention themselves \u2014 how should they know what it feels like? Sexual attention? Unwanted? How? You mean there is more than one kind of sexual attention? I wouldn\u2019t know, I never got any! Wait\u2026 do you have some going? I\u2019ll take all you\u2019ve got, wanted, unwanted, I don\u2019t care, can I just have some, please please please?<\/p>\n\n\n\n An average guy has no idea what it feels like to have a random girl make comments about his ass on the street. Not a faintest clue what it\u2019s like to be objectified. No notion at all how horrible it is to need to repel unwanted advances. What he does know really well though, is that he never gets any attention himself. I thought it was just me, until I heard about the Catcalls of The World<\/em> blogs, which publish dozens of catcalling stories from women all around the world. Apparently the most common comment left by men is: \u2018I wish anyone would say half of those things to me.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n The first time I received unwanted sexual attention was at another party. I was 26 and it was from another man. Many of my female friends laugh bitterly when they hear that, as they\u2019ve experienced it at half the age and every day since. But it was a real \u2018aha!\u2019 moment for me \u2014 so that\u2019s <\/em>what it feels like! It\u2019s like some lock opened in my head and I could now tell, not just theoretically and in the abstract, but really tell that I get how horrible, disempowering, embarrassing and threatening it is to receive sexual attention when you don\u2019t want it (not that my rare experiences compare to what most women have to deal with). But I also know how hard it was to understand what it is like before I ever experienced it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n So, did I really want to be that hot girl at the party? I say she was basking in the flames of male desire, but maybe she didn\u2019t want those flames any more than any woman wants to be catcalled. How ignorant of me to say I envy her experience!<\/p>\n\n\n\n But\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n The truth is: yes, I am ignorant. I was never surrounded by a ring of women who would do anything to sleep with me. My hottest costumes never sparked the reaction she got just for a deeper neckline. Those things simply don\u2019t happen to us, straight men. So of course we\u2019re ignorant! Nothing even approaching a shadow of her experience has ever happened to us! I, and most men, literally do not know what it is like to be desired with any respectable degree of intensity.<\/p>\n\n\n\n But we really wish we did.<\/p>\n\n\n\n It\u2019s a bleak world out here.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Do I even know what I mean by \u2018a respectable degree of intensity\u2019? It seems pretty vague, but I know it when I feel it. I know that when I really want something, I don\u2019t give up easily. I\u2019m willing to make an effort, jump through some hoops, make some sacrifices. Conversely, if I don\u2019t mind giving up on something, it\u2019s probably because I didn\u2019t want it so much in the first place.<\/p>\n\n\n\n So I\u2019m back at the party now, chatting with one of those women I thought might be interested in me. We\u2019re flirting a bit and at some point she asks what I\u2019m up to Tuesday night, because her flatmate is away. I hesitate for a second, I think I was going to meet a friend, I\u2019m trying to work it out, but before I gather my thoughts, she backs away: \u2018oh, no worries, maybe another time.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n Wait.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Is that it?<\/p>\n\n\n\n I know that as a woman she is probably socially conditioned to find even asking stressful and wants to avoid awkwardness, but a moment of hesitation \u2014 is that all that it takes to extinguish her desire? I appreciate her commitment to enthusiastic consent only, but I didn\u2019t even say no yet! Seriously? No convincing, no second attempt in an hour, no \u2018can I get you another drink?\u2019 Not even much of a sign of being particularly disappointed or cross?<\/p>\n\n\n\n Is that it?!<\/p>\n\n\n\n The guys around the hot girl there, they won\u2019t give up easily, they will make an effort, they will jump the hoops. I know, I\u2019ve been there, our desire burns like a raging bonfire. Why is the desire I feel back more like a tiny candle that can be put out by the gentles breeze?<\/p>\n\n\n\n Is that all I am worth?! A tiny candle\u2019s worth of desire?!<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u2018I wish anyone would say half of those things to me,\u2019 they comment. I get it. I wish she\u2019d try harder. I wish she kept going, I wish she insisted, I wish she made a second attempt, I even wish she got upset if I say no! At least I would feel like she wanted it, like she cared, like she really desired me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n And yes, I know how bloody messed up that is! I\u2019m an educated guy, a proud feminist. I know women are socially conditioned to have a difficult relationship with their own sexuality, the freeing of which can only come through empowerment and creating a world where it can be joyfully expressed. I know that if I don\u2019t feel this woman\u2019s raging bonfire, it\u2019s not because it\u2019s not there \u2014 she just doesn\u2019t express it as overtly as men do. I even know I would hate her unwanted advances if it came to it, so why do I speak as if I craved them?!<\/p>\n\n\n\n The thinking part of me knows all that and acts accordingly.<\/p>\n\n\n\n But this text is not about social problems, or the right ways to act, or my beliefs, or anything at all to do with the thinking part of me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n It\u2019s about how I feel.<\/p>\n\n\n\n And the feeling part of me sure as hell wishes it could bask in the flames of a raging bonfire sometimes.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Basking in the flames It\u2019s party night. I just know this one is going to be awesome. A handpicked crowd of weirdos and misfits, a massive flat with themed rooms, a bunch of art performances\u2026 I took Monday off. I\u2019m pretty hyped and feel like making an effort for this one. Just as well that […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":171,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[9,11],"tags":[13],"class_list":["post-168","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-love-sex-and-dating","category-masculinity","tag-what-is-it-like-to-be-a-man"],"yoast_head":"\n![\"\"](\"https:\/\/simonfokt.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/12\/0_iJgAF8vVF8rbdMYE.webp\")
<\/figure>\n\n\n\nWhat is it like?<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
![\"\"](\"https:\/\/simonfokt.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/12\/0_ejGvi5bBBuT5iDap.webp\")
<\/figure>\n\n\n\nMore fire<\/h3>\n\n\n\n